Will I succeed?

My Mr. B had an entry on the Ideal Man which kept me thinking the whole day. And somehow, it was the answer to my breakup with Mark.

Let me see..Mark is the new age sensitive guy. he's a romantic guy who has the qualities of a hunk. Yet, after 5 years at the age of 22, coupled with the whole long-distance relationship idea, I found myself feeling stucked. Was it because I was tired of having to live up to be the strong woman I was in his eyes? I guessed so. But yet again, I have always been one. sigh. too head-strong.

I was tired. I needed someone stronger to make me feel like a girl once again. To be pampered and all. Something different to feel loved rather than to love would be nice.

I was even more tired of having to live up to his parents' or rather his mum's expectations. To live in his mum's shadows just because I'm seen to be similar as her. Yes, she's the matriach in the family. I was too tired to alway try and vie for attention, to be accepted and be loved like one of her own child. To have her asking about me, to convey her love for me just as she would for her son. An affection that would never happen the way I want it to be. It was probably our age that we started out. and the years that follow.

Mark was someone who would hold my hand, be sensitive and listen to me when I have problems. However, he was not able to stand up and protect me. Perhaps, it's me. I didnt have the faith that he would although I know he could. We grew into each other that with time, it's hard to see beyond.

He was gentle and loving and attend to my every whim. And yet, able to firmly point out my mistakes when I made one. Here comes the tough part : Correcting me and yet making it gentle and constructive rather than being overly critical. He was. But being the headstrong person, I couldnt take it.

"He will make love to her rather than have sex unless she wants to be taken and ravished almost senseless." ---right, no comments. too personal. heh

5 years..tsk..a loong time. I dont deny, I still hold on to memories of him. I can still tear. I still feel that pain in my chest at times.

I had discussed this with Mr. B on our first date. And I do feel very lucky to have found him. To meet someone who could accept my past and to be able to talk to him about my past. As straightforward as I am, I know there are certain things he may not feel all that happy to talk about especially my past now with our status, yet, I know at the end of the day, he understands. For one, Mr. B and I are really alike..mentally we clicked so much that without having to say it, we both know what we are thinking and even feeling. it's scary sometimes. especially when one is playing mind games. Coz we know what the other is up to. Then the counter moves, we would have guessed too. heh.

so, anyway...

My dream a few entries back was about Mark. and his gf.

"Beauty queen of only 18. She, had some troubles with herself. He was always there to help her. She, always belong to someone else.." - Maroon 5

This song was about me and mark.

1 year 2 months down the road, after my breakup, I'm still stucked with the memories. I want to, desperately want to rid those memories. I'm at wits' end to how else can I do it. Should I not listen to those songs? visit those places that we've been? To not do anything that reminds me of him? Right from the start, I thought I shouldnt coz it will only make things worst and more difficult for me to move on. As the dictum goes, the harder u suppress, the harder it is to move on and heal. Yet, more than a year later, I have not successfully gotten rid of it. I know I am more than on my way, but I do wonder if i will ever succeed?