That loss..

I am trying to be hopeful but I know I am not. How complex. Human emotions is complicated and complex. To articulate it is even more difficult.

My granny is in the hospital for about 2 weeks now. Before I head for New York this month, she was admitted and now, it's been 2 weeks. She's not getting better as I would have expected it to be, just the previous times. No, I cant kid myself anymore. In fact, she is deterioriating.

It saddens me so much to see her in this state. It makes my heart feel so heavy and I want to do something for her. The best would be if I could, shorten a few years of my own life to prolong hers, if only I could.

The worst thing is, which I fear and do not dare to mention anything is that, my granddad's 4 years death anniversary is approaching on this Christmas's eve. I fear for what may happen.

Yet, my greatest fear is also how I would be able to find that strength in me without someone by my side to support and lean on. Four years ago, I had that special someone and only to him that I was able to grief and cry my heart out in his arms as we lay in bed. I remembered that incident which I was so glad and felt so blissed that I had him.