Stuck

it's been a loong time since i've written anything here. or rather, been online. My laptop adaptor went up in smoke recently when i was in school as a program assistant. tough luck.

in any case, i've not been feeling all that good, emotionally. Where should I start? too many things on my mind, an accumulation of not writing it down is getting to me. see my need to blog?

anyway, things that i'm getting it down here are nowhere censored. nor in consideration of anyone's feelings. just mine. sorry.

right. last week was out clubbing 2 x!!! goodness! I was at Zouk on Mambo night with Mr B and his frens from the US. One of them, YJ, had accepted her bf's proposal and he was down to get her dad's blessings. which reminded me as Mr B mentioned that she had a relationship for 4 years and this ex is in S'pore. He would go mad if he knew YJ's bf had proposed and she had accepted it.

my mind couldnt help but think about my own situation. imagining if I had married someone else but Mark. afterall, throughout that 5 years, I did consider settling down with him.

Anyway, then on Thursday night, I went down to Zouk again with Mr B, Ron and Edmund. It was comedy night by Kumar and Joanne. Kumar was really funny. Best comedian so far. Just looking at him reminds me of Raj though. Speaking of which, I saw him at Wine Bar on the very night itself!!!!! oh my goodness..how real can it get? Good thing he left me alone though.

Wanted to head down to club with Ron on Friday night but decided not to. Went home after tuition. watched my korean soap operas instead. damn good looking guy.

I've been feeling down thereafter.

sigh. I dunno if I should put this down. but, honestly, I'm having alot of doubts about me and Mr B. I'm not happy.

Anyway, went down to the airport to send my last Korean friend in S'pore on sunday night. sad. No one to speak to on my korean anymore. Am quite worried about Grace and him though. long distance relationship is very tough. especially if there is no intellectual connection.

I took off after al while. Didnt want to send him all the way to the departure gate. I know I'll tear. I went off to meet Angel from there at Pasir Ris. It's been a loong time since I've gone to the East. Lotsa memories of coz. Anyway, me and gel go waaay back and till now, we have been close friends for 8 years. we've seen each other through everything and anything. And just as were talking that night, i realised we are both going through the same things. the same fears, the same crap. How Mark is to me is how Jon is to her. They were together for 4 years.

Eventually, gel's fren Farhan came down to pick us up to JB for supper. Amazingly fun. It's the whole excitement of doing something different and I guessed some part of me is unhappy about the lack of sparks or action in my life.

Anyway, I just read Fengjia's blog..and something striked me there. Mark had left a message..saying he'll be back in June. I...I dunno how to react. Well, actually, there is nothing for me to react to actually. I guess we are no longer friends now.

Sometimes when I think about YJ, I will remember what me and Angel had said that night. We both deserve it, gel. No matter what reasons we gave or felt like we had to do what we did then. Even though it was a matter of progress, but at the end of it all, I think we have not progressed at all. Emotionally, we are still stuck at the same place after these years.