Shall I continue blogging?

The other issue I have on my mind is this : Whether I should continue blogging or not.

With my internet down, a huge disappointment and a meeting with 2 old friends recently, I’ve been asking myself “why do I blog?” Initially, I felt the need to write down my thoughts, to share my views on certain issues and that a blog will help me think things in a more concise, coherent manner, providing myself with a clearer picture of my thoughts. It’s most useful when I am down as not only am I able to “talk” about it and not bottled up issues. It’s an avenue that I can channel my negative emotions into and feel better after that. Afterwhich, I can draw on my inner strength and also guidances from Sensei to encourage myself and to stand on my feet with moral courage again. It’s picking myself up again. It is also a tool for me to send certain messages out to my friends.

Yet, I am, ashamed to say even, that I have to admit, with a couple of months back, I have allowed myself to fall in the trap of following the blogging trends. It seems like a “hot” thing to blog and all. And I think, to allow oneself to fall into that trend like a blind man, is something I am ashamed of since I don’t find the need to do so myself.

It’s worst when I know I have made my blog available to friends and I have people everywhere possible, reading about my most intimate thoughts. It makes me hesitant to write honestly and truthfully. I then ask myself what is the purpose of keeping a “diary”? I recall reading about the greatness of Mrs Kaneko Ikeda, wife of Sensei’s. Sensei leads a very busy life and Mrs Kaneko helps by keeping a record of everything that happens to him. She used to tell him “such and such a thing happened exactly a year ago” and initially, Sensei was very impressed by her good memory but he then realized that the secret was a diary she had kept.

I was thinking, my initial purpose was to keep track of my own thoughts and feelings so that with time, as I looked back, I know how much I have grown, but yet, knowing a blog, being it on the web and all, is open to all for reading, I would not be able to fully write accounts of what happened to me.

Then there are other contradictions within myself. What exactly are the reasons I write?

There is this book “ Why Do I Write” by George Orwell, the author of wonderful pieces Animal Farm and 1984. In it, Orwell written about the four great motives for writing which exist in different degrees in every writer and the proportions will vary from time to time in any one writer. Of course, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to measure myself against as a “writer” but I just consider it in the context of blogging.

The four motives are :

1. Sheer egoism. The desire to seem clever, to be talked about, to be remembered after death

2. Aesthetic enthusiasm. Desire to share an experience which one feels is valuable and ought not to be missed.

3. Historical impulse. Desire to see things as they are, to find out true facts and store them up for the use of posterity.

4. Political purpose – using the word “political” in the widest possible sense. Desire to push the world in a certain direction, to alter other people’s idea for the kind of society that they should strive after.

For me, I would think that all 4 motives exist. Yet, the proportions of the first 3 seems to be small. Here, I am judging myself based on past few entries and the level of life condition I am in when I write. But then again, this is dependent and reflective upon the mood that I am in. At times like now, I am introspective. There are times where I am just too preoccupied with myself and that is where you see those entries filled with my own pictures.

I have yet to come to a decision on whether I should continue blogging after writing all these. How indecisive I can be. I think it’s because, even with all the reasons on why I should not blog anymore, I know I cant resist the temptations of blogging.

Sensei has a diary himself and it represented a period when his own life as an individual was taking shape. They were the years of his marriage, the birth of his children, the blessings of a happy home life and as well as his struggles and fights for his religious convictions. It was meant to be for his eyes alone and yet, now, after the requests from a number of persons in Japan, it has come out in printed form. It is his hope that his diary, would be to lend encouragement to others.

I find myself pouring out books written by Sensei each time I am down in the hope to lift my spirits up again by living the words of this true life philosopher. And till date, it has never failed me. If anything, I think, I have failed Sensei in my failure to put what I’ve learnt and his words into daily life. Once again, this is my constant tug-of-war. It is never easy to push oneself further but I know without efforts, a true character and individuality can never come to full flower.