Unspoken thoughts

it's my off day today!! so precious! well..it's my first time having a 2 day break from work.
am so used to waking up early in the morning now that I dont even sleep late on my off-days..

i just spent quite abit getting my necessities..well...they are all beauty products actually...just for nail polish, i have quite a bit of different colours. heh..

sometimes in the morning, when i wake up, i thought to myself, i would never dream of having a job which is to make myself look pretty all the time..sigh..

anyway, things have changed quite abit for me over the past few months.

I have not said anything about things between me and Mr B. We broke up last month. What was it all about? Hmm. I think when it comes to a point whereby the directions we head are not the same anymore and there isnt much to continue. Perhaps, I'm just over him already.

Honestly, I dont think I'm suited to be in any relationships from now till God knows when. I know who I am but yet I have not come to a solid grounding on who I want to be. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship with anyone coz it's something I cant find within myself to make it work. I am still on my little self journey and I have no idea when I will be willing to compromise that.

I've always thought that a relationship will not only enrich the life of an individual but also the other party as well. I still think so, but so far, I've yet to find that person who can do so with me for a particular period of time.

Sigh. Alot of our life today is shaped by our past experiences and for me, Mark had created such a huge impact that I cant erase him out of my memories or even my habits today.

When in a relationship, I guessed one would be able to know if it is the right relationship. Our gut feeling is usually accurate. Sometimes I think it's not even a gut feeling. It is something that we have all along wanted but yet, we cant articulate that and so it becomes a gut feeling instead. Maybe it's just me. ha.

Just the other night, I dreamt of Mark's mother. For some reason, I dreamt of her. It's weird. I mean, I dont dream of Mark but I dreamt of his mum. How weird can that get?

I remembered having a conversation with Dez once about the only way for me to deal with Mark is to treat it as though he is dead. After everything that we have gone through and how much we mean to each other, now, we are no longer friends. I cannot come to terms to that and so the best way for me to deal with it is as if this person is dead. It's harsh. Yes, but it's a representation of how much it meant to me.

I should come to a realization that it's never ever gonna work out in anyway but the fact of the matter is, it didnt end like any other relationship. And I guessed, that's why deep down inside me, I still have that faith.

Is it a lack of courage to take the big step and come to a realization that we have both gone onto a different direction? I dont think so. After this 1 year of crazy shit that I have gone through, I know perfectly well that moral courage is something I dont lack but I think this matter is a result of me not wanting to take the big step at all. If I had wanted, I would have already come to a realization.

See, I asked myself why would I not want it then? I figured it's a combination of various reasons. For one, it's not as if I am very affected by it. I have come to live with it and am aware of how I should deal with any emotions that comes up. Especially since, it's something that concerns the past.

The other reason is probably because it was after all, my one and only long term relationship with anyone. It was filled with memories of my growing up stage and one can term that as First Love.

In any case, these are just thoughts in me. Life goes on. In fact, life goes on not just ordinarily but happily and meaningfully too!