Emotions

I made a major decision today. Cant say till the time is ripe. It will take a loong while for it to take place though. It's good news though.

Anyway, met up with Azahar today. We had a good time chatting this evening. The place was new to me and it was lovely, in fact. Very chill. I like. After talking to Azahar today, I realised how far I have changed and matured. Do you even call it maturity? Or issit just a loss of innocence? ha. I have become soo complicated.

I always always wonder how do we know if we are really in love? Is it the measure of how much feelings and how deep it feels that matters? Does infatuation, attraction contain that "I cant eat, I cant sleep, Just thinking of you all the time..your face, your eyes and what are you doing..The reach for the stars with you.."

I hardly know you, in fact, I dont know you. Yet, you appear in my mind all the time.

It's true. I have lost the innocence I used to have. What innocence left in me is the hope to find true love, and that, I will one day find it, regardless of my past. A person whom I love, loves me and able to embrace everything about me, even my dark history of which not many girls possess..basically, to love and understand a complicated girl like me.

Perhaps, perhaps. This is the word you often use on me. And I think, perhaps, you who always appear in my mind, is who I want you to be. The person I imagined you to be. Perhaps, and I think more likely or not, in reality, you are not the person I had imagined you to be.

Your responses keep me guessing. I find myself going back to "playing the field" in my replies to you, all to protect myself.

I want to know you. To get to know if you are really the person I had imagined you to be. Yet, I cannot and must not make this an obvious. Why? Because it seems brazen to do so. Yet, this is me. To go ahead and take the risk, just to find out for myself.

I have so far taken steps that I have constantly tell myself not to. I have given in to the brazen one inside me.

Sometimes I think, perhaps, you may not be the cause of it afterall. You came at a time when I am yearning to fall in love. To be in love with someone properly. Yes, that must be it.

As I am writing this, my heart feels heavy. I am sad. It has been a long while since I have felt this way. No, not because of you. It's the loneliness setting in in me.

How I want to feel deeply for someone! To fall in love and to feel that it's so right to fall in love with that person. To feel that there is a future for us, yes, a future for both persons, instead of always thinking of the future that belongs to me only.

I am impatient by simply waiting for you to make the moves. Yet, I know it is perhaps, as you always use on me, perhaps, wise to wait.

I understand and am aware that the special someone comes when you least expect it. Yet, I cannot pretend to not be expecting it when my heart wants to feel that skip a beat. To feel that rush of blood into my veins, that butterflies in my stomach.....

On the flip side, I am reminded of the freedom and advantages of being single now. I like that. To go out and have that anything-can-happen rush when I meet new men. With you, is that it? Are all these ramblings just a result of nothing happening between you and me yet? And for that, is it just me wanting to conquer something? To feel that accomplishment of either casting you into the categories of "Possible" and "Impossible", just like all the other men????

Questions..never-ending..cause I have not sorted out what I want - to be single or not? Then again, isnt this what all singles are facing? We dont have a choice , do we?