I spoke to Aaron on msn a while ago and he asked if i was still blogging. Actually, i stopped blogging and told myself not to do so. Simply because alot of what is written is just private and blogs are subjected to people's judgement which I dont like it at all.

Nevertheless, after writing a long email to one of my comrades, I realised I still feel so much better writing what I have in mind and not just bottling all up. Although I have been sharing my thoughts and feelings with my close friends, verbal communication is still different from writing everything down. Writing helps me to put down my thoughts in proper and it makes me feel alot better too.

So here i am back again!

Where shall i start from...

Right now, i am writing from Cape Town. It is a beautiful place and i realised it has been 10 yrs since i last came here with my parents. With what my parents are going through now, i really appreciate those little holidays that they have brought me and although South Africa was the furthest i have been then, i realised it must have cost them alot then. Thank you daddy and mommy! I love you guys so much.

Suddenly, i feel that I dont know what i have been doing all these years in love. I dont really have any problems or lack of confidence in handling other aspects of my life such as career, family but my greatest trouble is love. I am really weak at it and being in and out of relationships over the years, i am sure this is my greatest weakness!

A few mths back, someone forced himself into my life and being one who miss having a companion, I gave in and gradually begin to like him and love him, accepting his weaknesses and all. Then he walked out of my life.

But looking back, I havent been the best person I could have in this relationship. This makes me frustrated and angry with myself because I have not learnt through past relationships. Up to this point, there is no use pointing fingers on who was right or wrong but it is just a regret that I feel which the relationship did not work out and the greatest regret i have in my heart is that those principles or actions which would have saved this relationship, I have not shown it even though they were what I used to share with Mark. The reason why the relationship with Mark could have lasted for so many years was that we worked on our relationship pretty hard and there were underlying principles and actions that made us the best person we were. It brought out the best we were.
However, my subsequent relationships, it seems that I didnt know what I was doing. I was just basking in the ecstacy of being in love, having a companion to do the couple things etc. I know at the back of my mind, i was looking for a partner but I failed to really take a look at whether I was developing myself.

My relevation of why my relationships failed is that I have not been the best person I could have been. It is like I have a certain potential qualities or weaknesses that I could have overcome but I have not focus on that. Because of this, even if I have found the best partner, it wouldnt work out. The dynamics would still fail.

It is like I became a different person after being in love because I did not focus on developing myself further. It is like i stopped growing. And when you stop growing, you stagnate. Stagnating doesnt just mean not advancing. It is actually regressing. And so day by day, without being aware, devils climb into me and I became such a horrible person!

My friend tells me I have alot of expectations on my partner as oppose to my friends which makes me an easy going friend but not as a girlfriend. I reflected on that and i know it is true. Yet i also question, should we not and isnt it common to have high expectations of a partner? I may not have behaved the best i could in certain situations with my boyfriend with my bad temper but does that mean i should not expect too? I guessed so. I remember Mark telling me before that if one does not expect, one will not get disappointed. And somehow i understand that my anger rises from my disappointment in my partner when certain expectations were not met.

What if all these could have been avoided if the question is whether the partner we had is suitable for us or not? Then again, even the most suitable one like Mark took alot of hard work if i still fail to develop my own growth.

Will I know when I am ready to be in a relationship again? It is like there is this behavioural pattern when i fall in love with someone...I lose myself and the other party feels we are not suitable and leaves again or vice versa?