Why I am still single

Last night, I was out on a date. We havent met each other before. Except that we could roughly make out how the other party looks like based on pictures from Friendster. It's weird . Totally weird. It's so unlike me.... I just set myself up on a blind date!!!! Gosh. Anyway, my date was close to what I had wanted in a guy. He was tall, nice built. (goes to gym often) and from all those SMS, he has quite a sense of humour. I was hopeful.

We agreed to meet for dinner and drinks. For once, I was in a black dress...all dolled up with that barbie hairdo. It was exciting if you ask me, not knowing what to expect. (My appetite for risk is getting higher)
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Verdict : It was BAD.

Why?

1)He was late. I waited for more than half an hour. Didnt you guys know that being late for a date, especially a first date is a big NO? Not that I had never make anyone wait. But for a first date?

2)Dinner was quiet. He couldnt hold a good conversation without having me to repeat what I said. Maybe it was a first meeting and all..shy..whatever but my idea of a good first date is to at least hold a decent enough conversation and not keep to your food. (Usually, that's what i do)

3)Adjourned for drinks...I was thinking things would change...probably open up with the effects of alcohol? Then I realised, he was into chinese songs...Sense of humour was different..there was really NOTHING to talk about.

Lessons learnt : DO NOT set yourself on blind dates! hahahahha...
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Me says: tell me, when with xxx, do u feel in love?

pal says: like how?

Me says: hmm..u know, that u know ure happy..that u really like or love this person....that u think u can overcome alot of things with that person

Me says: i dunno...i think i dun even know what in love is

pal says: that's faith

Me says: faith in a person? faith in a person makes me want to love that person and not just feel in love?

pal says: you need to meet someone who really loves you and you can love...also in love.


pal says: haven't you felt that you won't regret if you marry the guy you go out?

Me says: hmmm....so far, i did feel that once...it was my first bf...i was 17? we were together for 5 years. until now, i think i wont regret. but...

Me says: i know he is not enough for me. Not regretting and feeling inadequate is different.

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THE artist is the creator of beautiful things.

To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim.

The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new material his impression of beautiful things.

The highest as the lowest form of criticism is a mode of autobiography.

Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming.

This is a fault.

Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope.

They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only Beauty.

................

What Type of Flirt are you?

Lisa, you're a Subtle!

Were you just winking at us? We couldn't quite tell... In fact, we think it's pretty safe to say that you're a Subtle Flirt — you're a master of the flirting game. You know how to attract attention from anyone, any time. A quick come-hither smile, a little game of look-away-and-look-back-again — before long you have the object of your affection wrapped around your little finger. One of the best things about your approach is that it's discreet. You can always act innocent and coy if something gets taken out of context or misunderstood. Just make sure you're not too subtle,
or you may end up playing the game all by yourself.


Heh.....More like I am master of deception! hahahah...deceive the computer....muahahahaha

Why are you still single?

Lisa, you're single because you don't want to slow down

Whether you're working all hours, busy with school, or planning a cross-country move, it sounds like you just don't have time for anyone else in your life...right now, that is. Your timing may be off in other aspects, too. Chances are, you've met that perfect person who just so happens to be married or planning their own cross-country move. So take a step back for a moment. Is there something underlying this? Could it be you're afraid to get involved for some reason or another, and are therefore attracted to people who are simply unavailable?Whether you're secretly sabotaging yourself or not, try a little exercise. Open your mind to those who are around you (and available!) right now. Then let up on your schedule to let that someone in. That is, unless you want to get married to your goals, and not Mr. or Mrs. Right.


Hmm...I wonder if it's really true...Perhaps huh...I think emotionally I want to be out of this singlehood...yet, other aspects of my life doesnt quite make me ready for that..or issit the other way round? hahahhaha...moving on!!

What is your colour?

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

http://web.tickle.com/color/?test=colorogt

An End for a start

The year is approaching to an end. It shall be a brand new start.

I have sorted out what I need to know and have already gotten it out of my system. Moving on, I am placing everything behind me. Looking ahead, I find myself smiling. Relieved of the torture of the guessing game.

From now, it will just be finding that meaning in my life... what I really want to do but meanwhile, enjoy the ride and do the stuff that is right in front of me.

The new year awaits. More happenings awaits too.

Change of image

I had imagined Japan to be a place full of hot springs and beautiful blossoms and Japanese people eat only fish. But after living in Japan for a while, my image of Japan changed. I'm sure it differs for each season in Japan. But hot springs and all, one can only find it in rural areas..those we see on Channel News Asia. The Japanese eats all kinds food and the young especially like Western food. Of course, they still love fish. No doubt about that. And not just fish, but fresh fish. I guessed you can say that Japan has lost alot of its traditional Japan kinda stuff, which many of us are more interested in since that would be what makes Japan more outstanding than others.

We've always seen and thought that Japanese men are bossy and chauvinistic. The fact is, the older Japanese are still the way we imagined them to be but there are also Japanese men who are gentle. In fact, I had experienced this sort of guy and have gone out with a guy like that. It's a very pleasant feeling. Then again, once married, they may still be chauvinistic.

For me, I am in love with the Japanese language and it fascinates me with its different levels of speech, based on different level of politeness. Keigo, Japanese honorific is what i've been trained to use when speaking to customers, teachers etc. Mostly, I get confused by the usage of Keigo, Colloquial and more polite Japanese. To express the same thing, different words are being used and sometimes, we are not quite sure which is the correct word to use in the situation. To customers, it's easy. Just use Keigo. But to friends or just someone whom you are not close to, you want to be polite but it maybe too weird to use Keigo.

Even for Keigo, I just learnt that there are different types! - sonkeigo, kenjougo and teineigo

All these just makes me want to go back to studying Japanese again.

Emotions

I made a major decision today. Cant say till the time is ripe. It will take a loong while for it to take place though. It's good news though.

Anyway, met up with Azahar today. We had a good time chatting this evening. The place was new to me and it was lovely, in fact. Very chill. I like. After talking to Azahar today, I realised how far I have changed and matured. Do you even call it maturity? Or issit just a loss of innocence? ha. I have become soo complicated.

I always always wonder how do we know if we are really in love? Is it the measure of how much feelings and how deep it feels that matters? Does infatuation, attraction contain that "I cant eat, I cant sleep, Just thinking of you all the time..your face, your eyes and what are you doing..The reach for the stars with you.."

I hardly know you, in fact, I dont know you. Yet, you appear in my mind all the time.

It's true. I have lost the innocence I used to have. What innocence left in me is the hope to find true love, and that, I will one day find it, regardless of my past. A person whom I love, loves me and able to embrace everything about me, even my dark history of which not many girls possess..basically, to love and understand a complicated girl like me.

Perhaps, perhaps. This is the word you often use on me. And I think, perhaps, you who always appear in my mind, is who I want you to be. The person I imagined you to be. Perhaps, and I think more likely or not, in reality, you are not the person I had imagined you to be.

Your responses keep me guessing. I find myself going back to "playing the field" in my replies to you, all to protect myself.

I want to know you. To get to know if you are really the person I had imagined you to be. Yet, I cannot and must not make this an obvious. Why? Because it seems brazen to do so. Yet, this is me. To go ahead and take the risk, just to find out for myself.

I have so far taken steps that I have constantly tell myself not to. I have given in to the brazen one inside me.

Sometimes I think, perhaps, you may not be the cause of it afterall. You came at a time when I am yearning to fall in love. To be in love with someone properly. Yes, that must be it.

As I am writing this, my heart feels heavy. I am sad. It has been a long while since I have felt this way. No, not because of you. It's the loneliness setting in in me.

How I want to feel deeply for someone! To fall in love and to feel that it's so right to fall in love with that person. To feel that there is a future for us, yes, a future for both persons, instead of always thinking of the future that belongs to me only.

I am impatient by simply waiting for you to make the moves. Yet, I know it is perhaps, as you always use on me, perhaps, wise to wait.

I understand and am aware that the special someone comes when you least expect it. Yet, I cannot pretend to not be expecting it when my heart wants to feel that skip a beat. To feel that rush of blood into my veins, that butterflies in my stomach.....

On the flip side, I am reminded of the freedom and advantages of being single now. I like that. To go out and have that anything-can-happen rush when I meet new men. With you, is that it? Are all these ramblings just a result of nothing happening between you and me yet? And for that, is it just me wanting to conquer something? To feel that accomplishment of either casting you into the categories of "Possible" and "Impossible", just like all the other men????

Questions..never-ending..cause I have not sorted out what I want - to be single or not? Then again, isnt this what all singles are facing? We dont have a choice , do we?

Gals' night out

I was reading one of those blogs and her blog reminded me of the guys I met that night at Wine Bar.

It was supposed to be a girls' night out. Well, I met up with FJ and we decided to chill at Wine Bar or club, whatever makes us happy, after dinner. There, we met a couple of her friends. If I still had it right, it was 8 different friends in a span of 2 hours? Anyway, not only did she meet her friends, she also met her cousin who had all his traders friends at the same table. I say, I didnt quite like it in the beginning, (perhaps, the lack of alcohol) coz they were all man in their thirties! At the next table, there were people playing guessing game at the top of their voices, manz! How uncle can that get. But after an hour or so, we get warmed up and I did quite enjoy them digging at each other and how lame those can get. It began to be pretty alright. (Yeah, finally alcohol is kicking in, maybe?)

Then, there I saw, at the next table where the uncles were now gone and came this bunch of younger uncles. I called them younger uncles coz they were between late twenties and early thirties for some. Amongst them, I saw a guy whom, I thought would fit into what I was looking for. Decent, smartly-dressed..blah blah and I caught him checking me out. The natural response would be to smile, isnt it? It's just right next door! There they were, opening champagne after champagne...and by this time, we were getting ready to go in to Velvet. Just as I got up, he turned to me and offered me a drink. I rejected but in the end out of courtesy, I drank (or was it the other way round?)

Well, for that, someone gave me a cross remark...yeah..I thought he was over-reacting. Then again, I am over-reacting over him reacting, here I think. Speaking of him, he's not cute when I first saw him. The more we talked, the more I think he looks cute. It's his eyes. I cant explain it. But like what FJ said, I too, dont like that "heck-care" attitude that he has. Yet, as much as he seems heck-care, there were a couple of remarks that he made doesnt seem so. Heck, it's guys. I shouldnt be reading anything into it.

Back to Mr Champagne. We came back to the table after finding out that Velvet was packed. He was glad to see me I guessed. Ha. So, he took no chance and started to chat with me. I found out that he is actually Mr. Boring Banker. Now, being a banker, that is a major plus point but the combination, just doesnt quite make the cut.

Righteee....now now, when a guy says that "I dont want you to leave.." Does he really mean it? Does that mean that he actually cares? Shit. No. It shall end here and this is it. No more readings!

That loss..

I am trying to be hopeful but I know I am not. How complex. Human emotions is complicated and complex. To articulate it is even more difficult.

My granny is in the hospital for about 2 weeks now. Before I head for New York this month, she was admitted and now, it's been 2 weeks. She's not getting better as I would have expected it to be, just the previous times. No, I cant kid myself anymore. In fact, she is deterioriating.

It saddens me so much to see her in this state. It makes my heart feel so heavy and I want to do something for her. The best would be if I could, shorten a few years of my own life to prolong hers, if only I could.

The worst thing is, which I fear and do not dare to mention anything is that, my granddad's 4 years death anniversary is approaching on this Christmas's eve. I fear for what may happen.

Yet, my greatest fear is also how I would be able to find that strength in me without someone by my side to support and lean on. Four years ago, I had that special someone and only to him that I was able to grief and cry my heart out in his arms as we lay in bed. I remembered that incident which I was so glad and felt so blissed that I had him.

Great. My pal from Japan is getting married! I am sooo happy for her...one of my buddies when I was training in Japan is getting married all the way to France...

Woohoo! This may just be the first ROM I am attending! So exciting!!!!

Somebody pls...

I just got back from clubbing...it's been 2 nights in a row!!! tired...

I was at MOS the previous night and tonight...was Wine Bar..ok, it wasnt entirely clubbing coz it was packed and so we spent the night drinking away..i'm glad i can hold my liquor..good enough to be proud of myself! *pat on my back* heh...

Shit...somebody pls slap me! I am actually having thoughts about marriage..

Well, I dunno what the hell is wrong with me now but I am actually thinking of settling down..Do me a favour pals, Slap me!!!! Oh wait, do me 2 favours. Slap me and find me a guy to marry! ha.

I guess for me, I'm still waiting for the right guy to come along. I already know what kind of a guy I want..Just come along! hahah. Yeah. Why am I having such ridiculous thoughts? I certainly hope it will go away soon!

Freezing New York!

I'm back! Yeah!!! Just got back from New York. Manz. It was freezing..snowed there and even with my winter clothing and gloves, I could hardly feel my fingers! This time round, I brought my cousin's camera to take pictures. But I had a hard time trying to press the shutter button...coz I couldnt feel it! yes...it's that cold!

Anyway, havent gotten the cable from her yet to upload. Will do it soon. Not much of myself in it. Prob pictures from my mobile will have.

My trip to New York....was fantastic! Did I mention that I LOVE New York? heh...

Anyway, in NY, people walked alot. We could also take the subway but what's the point right coz it's like Orchard. Shops everywhere. So, mostly, you would walk and window shop and if you see a shop that interests you enough, you walk in. Or should I say a sale that interests you enough? Heh..

My day started even before shops were opened. I had an agenda. yes, never quite stick to it but i had one. Hahah..

I tried breakfast at Mac's. Too early for shopping and too cold to walk around anywhere else, I decided to try their breakfast. And, you know what? They have that biscuit-like kind of bread instead of the normal bread/muffin we have here. And I love that soooooo much! The only place i know we can get something like that is at the airport where they sell something similar to KFC. Cant rem that name..Anyway, so I had Sausage With Egg...it was yummy!! Coffee at Mac's wasnt all that good though but it was shiok to have something hot when you're freezing!

The worst part is that even though I could hardly feel my fingers with my gloves, I cant feel my nose too! Everywhere was covered up (yes,wore my boots!!!) face and the cold wind just makes me not feel anything at all! wow....soooo damn cold! For a miinute I thought my fingers and nose were gonna fall off...

Anyway, you know, New Yorkers are really friendly people. Of course, maybe it's me, the Asian chick that they are friendly to. I find people smiling to me and there was this guy who winked at me! cheeky. Till now, in my life, there has only been 1 person who did that...anyway, he's history..yup, so back to NY..there were weird strangers walking passed me saying that I look fantastic..how weird is that..no, they were not blacks in case you were wondering..

Times Square and Broadway is huge and crowded! I was walking around and for a moment, I didnt know where I was heading. Now, my pals who lived with me in Japan knows that I cant not know where I am heading and I am indeed a person who has to have a sense of direction so it was kinda scary to me that I was walking back and forth in Times Square!

Further up, I headed to Korean Town. Heh...yeah and had my authentic korean food. It was shiok! I had it on my camera. Will upload the pictures. It was a spread for me! The kimchi was good but I had better though. Too bad I couldnt speak proper Korean. All I know is the bad stuff...heh...contemplating on learning it..

Oh, in NY or should I say in America, one has to tip others and it's usually around 10% of what you have to pay for..but I say $2 is usually enough. That's freaking nearly $4 for us yeah? shit.

Ok, now to the interesting stuff..I did my shopping at H & M!!!!!! Heh..it was really cheap..I almost wanted to buy every single bit of stuff there..ok...the whole store then..minus the trenchcoats! Coz that's expensive! I bought mainly my makeup stuff..

As for Victoria's Secrets, I bought some g-strings the other time when I was in Los Angeles. So, this time, nothing much from there. But still, I love their outfits. Kinky! and Sexy!

I am contemplating on buying a 2nd pair of boots and this time...it's either from Japan again or probably from NY..I just simply love them! They look so stylish..and the funny thing is, I think I dress up better when I am in the States. Or issit just different that's all? Dunno. But I just know i love it!

The best part of all, whenever I am on my way back to SIN, my stay in Japan will be to treat myself to a yummy bowl of sashimi and I sure did! yummy yummy!!!! Now...i feel like having that again..and oh, I have learnt to eat wasabi with the soya sauce now!

Hangover cures? I hope so! Ok, virgin mary shall be my fav!

Answers..

As I reflect more on life and the events unfolded on some people, I am glad that I find my own answers in my bid to encourage others. I now understand what it means to grow with others and help those who are suffering. We often think of those we are suffering as experiencing physical pain due to unfortunate illness but i think the greatest of all is to be tormented mentally with problems in life. Problems of which Economics, Politics offer no solutions to, for they are daily problems of a person.

I say, in my encouragement to my friend : Our own life is a mirror of our own actions. If you think the problem always lies with the person whom u encountered and caused you to suffer in that situation, I say, your problems will not end there. Not even if you leave this person or this job. Because this person / job is a manifestation of what you have to go through. It's our actions that mirrors our life. So, no matter how one tries to act passively by running away from it, our problems will not disappear. In fact, we find ourselves being locked with the same problems wherever we go from there.

The only answer is to change ourselves from within. When we change and uphold positive perceptions, naturally our positive actions will unfold and one will be surprised that the situation changes, and we find ourselves gaining victory in the end.

But how do we have the ability to see things through and uphold positive perceptions and attitude? This requires us to base our lives on a sound philosophy in life. And I say, that is the purpose of faith, of religion.

In my words, I find answers which I have it hidden somewhere in me for the unsettling events in my life.

Too many changes in 1 day for my own good

First, i woke up earliest today in weeks. Since work has started, on days when I dun have to work, my day starts at 4pm. yes..4pm..oh well, sleep usually kicks in around 5 or 6 am. Nonono..not clubbing..but just at home.. oh yes, only once that I went clubbing. Had the time of my life! heh. thanks to Baoxin! So, day started at 1pm today! hooray!

Next thing i knew, when i was getting ready to go out, my phone rang. twice. It was from our mother national carrier. Yes. asking me to go for another interview.. thanks ah. after all that has settled down in my life and you come calling me back again. Shit. These things happen all the time manz. Once you are settled, the past starts to come back yeah. Not for the first time. I hate it when it happens.

What's next? When I finally get settled down with a guy on my hmm..3rd night after wedding, an ex comes knocking on my door? LOL.

Shit. More to think about now. Oh well. I am happy the way I am now after I finally found my own answer and then you have to come back knocking on my door....

The last, would be....I finally...after 6 years...cut my fringe!!! heh...yes..I have had the same hairstyle for 6 years..of coz, in different forms..layered here and there..but never with short fringe..and now...finally! I look..damn different as said. Hmm..feedback has been good so far. Glad it did turn out well! Sweet. Barbie doll!

Being young

Youthfulness..It really appeals to men isnt it?

Men do like it young. One of the reasons why one would have an extra-marital affair is that the other is young and attractive. So why not? No such thing as love or whatever deep or even try hard to come up with superficial reasons others would give. The only reason is "she's young". There is no reason for men to come up with other reasons. Why should they? They already have what they wanted - a family. Money, not an issue. So, basically they dun have to think of any reasons.

I wonder if it's really true that women's value do depreciate in the eyes of men as they age. Jobs in society does place a value on women's age. Certain jobs hold women of older age in high esteem as that is associated with valuable experience that places them as expertise in that fields, while other jobs see older women as undesirable.

I've grown up in a society where women are gaining more recognition and having more rights that it is as if it is given that women should be allowed to be on an equal footing as men. Yet when I learn more and more about the culture of other countries, I realised how far Singapore has gone and how fortunate (or unfortunate?) we are. To some, it seems that once we have gotten married, we would quit our job and be a housemaker, making the home a comfortable place to live in, waiting on our husbands. I am not saying this is not good. In fact, if I am really happily married, I would want to do that. It's a luxury to be a housemaker. Of course, an attractive housewife yeah. Heh. But yet, that is not an option that I would take or seriously consider as of now. I cant imagine not working and just being a housemaker. perhaps it's because I've grown up thinking that it's not a right path for me. The feminist side of me does not allow that. Perhaps, when i meet the special right one that would make me choose that path.

Closure

A few days ago, I've just discovered to my horror that the photos of my training in Japan was gone! All gone!!! I thought mypicgallery was free..and that my photos which I took the longest time to arrange would not be gone like the wind! I was horrified. It's like having your laptop crash on you without taking any precautions. then again, who would take steps to prevent it coz it happens, it happens. shit happens when you least expect it.

Thanks to Julian, I discovered about Shutterfly which is so much more user-friendly for uploading and sharing of photos. I've since started a new account and sharing that with my pals. Will upload that URL on this blog later. I would greatly like to share pictures of my trips to the places (even though limited) but as of now, I had yet to decide on a camera. So perhaps, after I have finally decided on which model to get, I will start clicking away. Meanwhile, whatever I have, comes from sources such as my pals and my dad's 3G mobile with the lousy camera. heh

There are alot of thoughts in mind that I cant share with others and it defeats the purpose of me having this blog. Private thoughts of my life which I cant allow others to know. Not that I dont but more of the consequences following suit.

Since the start of my career, I have people asking me why not join your own national carrier? It creates a longing in me to do so and that makes me unhappy. When it makes me unhappy, it makes me uneasy. When something makes me uneasy, I dont like it and I try to reconcile that. With this, I have come to the realization that yes, while it may be prestigious to be a Singapore Girl, it may not be the path for me. At least not for now. For a starter, I like to learn a foreign language and only with my current company, I can do so. As for renumeration, it seems that we may not earn as little as compared to our national carrier. I think it all depends on one's luck when it comes to duty roster. In fact, I think it's depends on one's good fortune. I am lucky that I get 1 more flight pattern for this month as compared to my peers. I am tired. very tired of constantly having to answer the question of "Why not" your national carrier? I understand where these people are coming from but i also think, why your national carrier?

If one has worked for a japanese company before, you will know and understand, the japanese market is not an easy market to serve. The service standard for Japanese is one of the best. Plus, we have got to speak their language. Tell me that is easy.

I know that this job may seems easy coz it's just about serving others "Coffee, tea or.." isnt it? Well, I say it's not an easy job, at least for a start. Perhaps a year down the road, it is easy and I am also concerned about my learning curve as it gets flatter. The goals that I've set for myself, I hope and I think it will open up more doors for myself.

Statue of Liberty in NYC

See how gloomy the weather is? It was raining and cold!!!

Lazy to the max....

Yes yes my dear Ron...I am damn lazy to write..heh..

Hmm....well..also because every moment of my life is changing that I cant find the energy to pen it all down! Yet, I cant say what exactly has changed.

I just got back from NYC a few days ago..right now, just standby and ready to go back there again..

Hm..this trip..I met someone...yes, each time I meet someone yeah? Heh..but, i know he is not a right guy..so obviously not....but yeah, he brought me to wine and dine in NYC! heh..it was really good to do that in NYC..anyway,overall, I LOVE NYC!!!

The weather is cold!! damn cold but I like it..it's really beautiful!! No shopping yet..well, you know me, am one who goes sightseeing instead..heh..

This upcoming trip, I'll do that! Shall check out the shops and I may go for musicals or plays depending if the guy goes up or not..heh..

Other than that, it's just getting ready here and there..but I must say, I like to be on the go..Looking forward to my next trip!