Alot has happened these 2 months..I have also met alot of people these months..and to come to know that we have so many common friends with them, it is just scary..the world is so small..

I just cant believe i drunk dialed again and actually to think of it, i dunno what made him so upset. Was it me drinking and saying things that upsets him or was it me drinking?

It was the a drunk dialed that got us started and now it is also drunk dialed that causes him to end things. Ironic isnt it?

I feel like my mind is spinning. Not only from the medication for the flu bug i caught but the mess I have created for my personal life.

First, as friends, you guys know I can drink yes but all i am not one who likes to do so all the time..it is just that i always have friends calling me to party with them..it makes me happy to make merry with them especially overseas but on the other hand, if it is fucking up my relationships with others or even creating a mess of my life, i really have to take a step back and reflect what the fuck is happening!

I mean if i want to, I know i can take care of myself but i admit i like him taking care of me so much that i do things that caused him to worry about me.

At the end of the day it is a pity that I havent been myself totally and destroy what is left between him and me because of that.

Ever since all these partying started, I havent been reflecting for a long time. It is like suddenly my habits changed altogether.

For one, I stopped doing the things i enjoyed doing - attending japanese classes.
I also stopped chilling out on my own and doing my own things overseas because there's always people distracting me to go drinking, partying..

i guess partly why i wanted company is also because I would be distracted and not think about the helpless situation between him and me previously.

I mean how helpless can it get when you're in love with someone who has a girlfriend rite. hey, i didnt know ok..it was too late when i realised i fell for him..it was simply a company of new friends I enjoy hanging out with initially and i still do..then i realised I develop feelings for him..i dunno why but it seems to me that he didnt behave he has a girlfriend..ok, my fault for not asking..so yeah, somewhere down the road, things happen between us and it wasnt what i expected after I knew he is attached..

on my side it is like obviously i am on the losing end..like being a 3rd party..it is just horrible of me to do something like this to another girl rite..i dun wanna be in her situation..but of course, what she doesnt know wont hurt her yet, it is just not right..

and yes, this 3rd party thing..his friends and him i am not..but i dun understand why i am not when the situation is clear that i am..hmm..i am still puzzled by that..something i cant see the light..

anyway, what make things worst is actually i feel i dunno what he has on his mind that is killing me..i know that perhaps he himself doesnt know too and obviously this girlfriend isnt the one for him rite? if not why would one stray? I wont for sure when i am with someone..and if i do stray, i know obviously this person that i am seeing isnt who i wanna be with and i will end things..but he isnt going to end things with her so what am i left? i always ask myself what should i do?

i like him tooo much to go..but i also like him tooo much to stay..know what i mean? when i said i just want us to be happy because it is like that is what it should be when 2 persons are together..but when i think of the situation, it makes me feel so unhappy..i know it isnt easy on his side too..yet, i wish he will know what he wants..i mean to be selfish, he obviously dont think this girlfriend is ultimately right for him so why not just take the brave step to end things? ok, i am being damn selfish here...

anyway, feel much better after writing all these shit..

bottom line is i like him soooo much! and yeah, i have to lead a life that i want and not to be so affected by these such that i lose myself along the way!

remember that relationships are when 2 strong individuals come together to share a life far greater than themselves...

meanwhile, to look at things on a bigger picture, there are so many things going on in the world far larger than my little problem here...my heart goes out for them...especially those who lost their loved ones..i can imagine that grief and hurt..and those facing serious problems that seems to go on forever..i wish i can give them my strength and my perseverance..yes! that is what i have in abundance! hahah

actually, knowing that he has me in his heart is really comforting enough for me at this point..am down in hong kong with a flu bug now..and i can feel his concern for me already..those times spent together in manchester was really sweet...did i say before that i like the way he cares for me? awww...really, that's one thing i am so drawn to him..i mean perhaps it is like what kind of guy one always have in mind and when you meet him..you feel like this is right...and i feel that way whenever I am with him...especially the way he cares for me..

to be honest, thinking back..i dunno what did i do that made him so angry that night..but i know i wont push him anymore..or at least i wont drunk dial anymore!