Wake up wake up!

Today, I received a clear wake-up call. Not literally. One of the most important wake-up calls in my life that enables me to change my life and change my family's karma.

I am most happy that my dear has joined me in my gakkai activities and that he has come to know this great buddhism. It is because I really want him to be happy and I hope from now on, with this buddhism, he will be able to build a tower of happiness for himself and those around him!

Strict guidance received today was the wake-up call that strengthens my faith and spurs me on to work even harder for the happiness of others and myself. As I look back at my own actions and that which I have caused others around me to be sad or upset, I apologise to my own lives.

"One should take responsibility for your situation. Everything depends on yourself to change it. Wisdom is the key. Instead of praying blindly to an object of worship, practise Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism to gain that wisdom. Problems in life serve as a springboard and not obstacles in our life. Little problems on a bigger picture are signals to us. Everything is a mirror image of our life."

That is the way, is it?

I met up with a friend friends yesterday for drinks. I was there to meet an old friend but saw many others instead. Time to play catch up with the others soon.

Anyway, back to my old friend. I have been putting off a meetup with her recently after I found out that she got attached. It was something weird that I felt, something that till today, I cant describe what it is that I felt. I was even more puzzled after last night. In fact, to be honest, I didnt feel comfortable at all. The thing is, over these years, it was rare for her to call me up. I remembered it was almost me trying to keep the friendship going for years. This time round, she had took the initiative to contact me for almost 3 weeks of which I was reluctant to meet her. Taking away the fact that I'm uncomfortable with her new status, I am most happy to have her as a lovely friend. But the uneasiness in me is too much for me to ignore. Still, I know that it would take me some time, if I ever come to terms with that uneasiness.

Well, the story goes :

Before I met my boy (my sweetie), I was still swinging single and I met up with this old friend for drinks. It was just the 2 ladies trying to find a place to have drinks and enjoy a night out. We settled at Wine Bar which later on, by coincidence, she met her cousin and his friends. A round of introduction was done and shortly, we joined them at the table. Now, by the end of the night, I found myself oddly attracted to his guy in the group. I said oddly because as I try to analyse what about him that attracted me to him, I have no fucking idea. Till today. (Thank God things didnt happen between us) heh. I was pretty sure I did not misread his signals. Anyway, after drinks, both he and I ended up for supper while my old friend joined someone else for the ride home. I still remembered clearly that this guy whom I was attracted to told my old friend to go home. Odd, I thought. But I brushed it off and read it as then maybe it is that he wasnt attracted to her.

The next time, we met again Holland V for drinks and this time round, this guy was there too. I then realised that he has been meeting my old friend for lunches. I thought he was attracted to her and when it was mentioned to my old friend, she brushed it off almost telling me that it was nothing since, she has a boyfriend then and this guy knew that.

That night was bad. I felt horrible. As I recalled now, what was I thinking? Was it a result of being single for long that I felt as if unwanted that resulted me to behave that way? I remembered I cried alot that night. Frankly, I hardly know this guy, I had no fucking idea why was I even attracted to him then. So, why was I even crying? Ah. Perhaps, it is not getting what I wanted? He told me that he was sorry if he misled me in anyways and that he admitted to liking my old friend but that she has a boyfriend.

The next day, I wasnt feeling anything about the whole issue or towards this guy anymore. In fact, there was nothing. It wasnt an issue but I had no idea why it was an issue that night. So when my old friend called and asked if I called him again, I felt absurd because it didnt cross my mind to do so. In fact, I moved on as if that didnt take place at all.

I didnt meet my old friend for a long time after that. Usual since she hardly ever calls me up.

Then, a few months back, she called to meet me. I was out with my boy. (Yes, I met my boy already by then!) She said she had something to tell me and that she was attached to that guy. I was shocked. In my mind, it wasnt suppose to happen. She had a boyfriend then.

Anyhow, a few months had passed. And I've met her last night. It was all talk about boyfriends. Alot about that guy she's seeing. Frankly, I dont have a good feeling about him. On one hand, I am happy for her that perhaps, she has found someone suitable, yet, on the other hand, I dont have a good feeling about this guy. Was it me being bitter over what has happened? Maybe. Maybe not.

But I cant help but feel perhaps, the time has come and that fate decides which friendship is staying and which is not. A pity but I no longer feel comfortable with my old friend anymore. I am constantly reminded of what happened and that it wasnt supposed to take place. I am saddened that something like that has to happen. Perhaps time will help.

Was it you trying to find out more about what happened back then when you asked details of the past? I cant help but feel last night's meeting was all about him and not about how each of us is getting along. Yet, I appreciate your efforts for it is for the sake of friendship that you're doing this. I appreciate it.

Phew. Finally it is off my chest. This matter has been bugging me for months. So odd that I cant put it to words and here it is. An entry on my blog dedicated to it. Ha.

At the end of the day, whatever makes one happy is that matters. I found my sweetie whom I know I am most probably going to spend the rest of my life with and, by your words, you think that guy maybe is also doing to be the guy you gonna marry, then there is no issue of too soon to tell isnt it? All the best.

The house-maker in me cooked dinner for my whole family which includes my dear too! heh.

We had fish soup, bitter-gourd with eggs and deep-fried wo xiang. Fish soup was superb, thumbs up from my soup-expert sis and my dear, of course while Mummy loves the wo xiang. heh. As for dad, he's just happy he doesnt need to cook nor wash up dishes. hmph.

For dessert, we had durian and my sour lychee. hmph. kena cheated.

I'm still having a heart attack.

That was the boldest thing I've ever done!

I cant forget how scary it was..the thought of being found out and being caught red-handed is sooooo scary!!!!

My rule : Die die also deny.

I am in love with a man who can finish a whole pack of dry-salted plums in an hour. That pack usually last me for a week....AKU CINTA PADA MU!!

Genki Genki

Yokatta yokatta!!! Genki Genki deshita ne! Kyo watashi ga genki deshita!

Good health is indeed very precious. Today, I am feeling as if I have gotten back my health. Things that seemed quite easy in the past suddenly became quite a strained on me. At times like these, that I regretted my own actions in destroying the good health that I've been blessed with. Sometimes fear gets to me so much that I begun to think about my own future generations and that what if they are not as blessed as I am now that I am in my prime?

Thanks to my dear that I've recovered so fast. He has been the sweetest boy I've ever met. Coming down to my place to make sure I am good..feeding me...watching the telly with m...heh..so much so that my parents are missing him when he was not here for 1 night.. thanks dear!!!

Such a dilemma

I hate the feeling of being sick. It has been almost a year of sickness-free and now I am down with stomach flu. humph. The worst symptoms of fever, vomitting and diarrhoea, i had it all.

Worst still, it cost me to defer my new job till next mth. then again, it means i can nuah again!

I like the feeling of not having to wake up early and the only reason i wake up is because I CHOSE to do so and not because it is a MUST. I like not having to take the train in the rush hour with 830-start-work sardines who looks as sad and sleepy as I do.

I like the feeling of waking up not to any agenda and that I get to do the stuff i desire...be it a lunch with Dear, coffee with a friend or household chores.

I like the feeling of watching the telly as and when I want to..those programmes at weird timings..

I like the feeling of reading leisurely...

Only if I do not have to know that my bank account is getting lesser with each passing day...humph.

(damn, that is probably the only thing i miss in JAL)

I can't get this song out of my head!!!!!

I am missing my baby...it has only been a day without him that I am missing him soooooo much....sob sob....

At home now, listening to James Blunt's You're Beautiful while blogging. Today was supposed to meet Ron, Julian and Chong for lunch at Maxwell but it didnt happen and I was all dressed up at home...=( anyway, had a sleepy lunch with sis and now, with the after-showers weather, I am all ready to sleep..but I cant! I have a Soka meeting tonight.

Anyway, I had a long talk with sis yesterday night. It was about family, relationships etc. Sis was very happy and still am with my dear baby. He is such a dear!! I realised that sis is the very sister I have always wanted but growing up was a different thing I guessed. It certainly is a wonderful feeling to have your family members loving and supporting who you love.

2 more days and I'll be starting work with my new company. Actually as of 4 days ago,I have already bonded myself for amounts which I can probably buy 1/3 of a car with that money. Am I looking forward to that new job? Yes I guessed but judging from the last job, I am skeptical of how different it would be, probably just more flexible, which means alot to me.

Coming July I will be all alone in Singapore again. Baby will be in NZ studying, Sis will be probably be studying either in UK or Australia and Dad, Mom would probably be heading to Shanghai for work for god knows how long again. sigh. Me, will be stuck in SIN for next few months till Sept before I start flying again.

It is weird, mostly I am doing my own stuff when I'm home but yet, I dont fancy living alone. I like having people around me. Coming back to a home with people moving around, finding food to cook (Dad), watching telly (Sis)...after I started flying, I realised that I like staying with my family, I like the feeling of coming back to a home after a flight. It is almost an anticipation.

Anyway, baby and me had a talk about how things would be like when he heads off to NZ..We will miss each other badly, especially with me stuck here in SIN for a few months and god knows when I will get NZ flight..sigh..
but baby, I will be very occupied with my new job (that's good news!)heh..

right, time's up! gotta run.

My last flight

My last flight with JAL proves that it was a wise decision to leave that company. Anyway, I took some pictures on board. More to come while Dear is scanning for me..heh..




In full uniform...




In apron which we change into after take-off until meal service is over. A rule : Never to enter lavatory with your apron. *roll eyes*

FUck the japanese!

damn u shit hole. damn u big fat mother ass. damn u bloody hell. curse u!

for once, i have defended for myself. for once, i have stepped forward and confronted them face-to-face. for once, i did not reply with a "Hai" and swallow ur shit with a smile. for once, i do not have to smile at u after u spitting on me.

for all the despair and depression that i have taken in for these 9 months, i am so proud of myself today.

why have i allowed anyone, especially pigs like u to make me feel i am your dog? why must i swallow your shit? why must i still pretend i do not mind that you step on me? why must i still smile when u spit on me? why must i allow anyone to make me feel less a human than you? why must i allow anyone to make me feel 3rd class? why must i be the one to constantly accept anything that has gone wrong? why must i be polite to u when u are rude to me? why must i? why must i be subjected to all ur fucking cheebye attitude knowing that i am defenceless?
fuck u!

yes. i say this out loud today. why? because i just did my last flight to new york. i dun fucking care what you do to me. i have quit already!