That's all, folks!

I've come to a decision at last. There shall be no more posts anymore.

Not that I will stop writing completely, but rather, in future, my writing shall be for my eyes alone.

My purpose?

I know I should be happy now that I have a career waiting, a sweet boyfriend, wonderful true friends, loving granny and sister, and best of all, a treasure that would see my through my most difficult times. Yet, I have to admit that I cant see what lies beyond my life after finishing my contract of flying 5 years.

Yes, even though after being an air stewardess, it is something quite sought after in many jobs, I am unsure of what is it that I really want. So what if I have realized all worldly ambitions but just to find a sense of emptiness and meaninglessness? So what if my sense of purpose comes from our capabilities of performing well on the job?

I must “find the reasons for living, the unique contributions that is mine and mine alone to make.” I have to “realize my purpose in life by doing my very best where I am right at this moment, by thinking what I can do to improve the lives of those right around me.”

To say or write is soo easy. To live up to those words, it takes a lot of courage, discipline and perseverance.

Shall I continue blogging?

The other issue I have on my mind is this : Whether I should continue blogging or not.

With my internet down, a huge disappointment and a meeting with 2 old friends recently, I’ve been asking myself “why do I blog?” Initially, I felt the need to write down my thoughts, to share my views on certain issues and that a blog will help me think things in a more concise, coherent manner, providing myself with a clearer picture of my thoughts. It’s most useful when I am down as not only am I able to “talk” about it and not bottled up issues. It’s an avenue that I can channel my negative emotions into and feel better after that. Afterwhich, I can draw on my inner strength and also guidances from Sensei to encourage myself and to stand on my feet with moral courage again. It’s picking myself up again. It is also a tool for me to send certain messages out to my friends.

Yet, I am, ashamed to say even, that I have to admit, with a couple of months back, I have allowed myself to fall in the trap of following the blogging trends. It seems like a “hot” thing to blog and all. And I think, to allow oneself to fall into that trend like a blind man, is something I am ashamed of since I don’t find the need to do so myself.

It’s worst when I know I have made my blog available to friends and I have people everywhere possible, reading about my most intimate thoughts. It makes me hesitant to write honestly and truthfully. I then ask myself what is the purpose of keeping a “diary”? I recall reading about the greatness of Mrs Kaneko Ikeda, wife of Sensei’s. Sensei leads a very busy life and Mrs Kaneko helps by keeping a record of everything that happens to him. She used to tell him “such and such a thing happened exactly a year ago” and initially, Sensei was very impressed by her good memory but he then realized that the secret was a diary she had kept.

I was thinking, my initial purpose was to keep track of my own thoughts and feelings so that with time, as I looked back, I know how much I have grown, but yet, knowing a blog, being it on the web and all, is open to all for reading, I would not be able to fully write accounts of what happened to me.

Then there are other contradictions within myself. What exactly are the reasons I write?

There is this book “ Why Do I Write” by George Orwell, the author of wonderful pieces Animal Farm and 1984. In it, Orwell written about the four great motives for writing which exist in different degrees in every writer and the proportions will vary from time to time in any one writer. Of course, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to measure myself against as a “writer” but I just consider it in the context of blogging.

The four motives are :

1. Sheer egoism. The desire to seem clever, to be talked about, to be remembered after death

2. Aesthetic enthusiasm. Desire to share an experience which one feels is valuable and ought not to be missed.

3. Historical impulse. Desire to see things as they are, to find out true facts and store them up for the use of posterity.

4. Political purpose – using the word “political” in the widest possible sense. Desire to push the world in a certain direction, to alter other people’s idea for the kind of society that they should strive after.

For me, I would think that all 4 motives exist. Yet, the proportions of the first 3 seems to be small. Here, I am judging myself based on past few entries and the level of life condition I am in when I write. But then again, this is dependent and reflective upon the mood that I am in. At times like now, I am introspective. There are times where I am just too preoccupied with myself and that is where you see those entries filled with my own pictures.

I have yet to come to a decision on whether I should continue blogging after writing all these. How indecisive I can be. I think it’s because, even with all the reasons on why I should not blog anymore, I know I cant resist the temptations of blogging.

Sensei has a diary himself and it represented a period when his own life as an individual was taking shape. They were the years of his marriage, the birth of his children, the blessings of a happy home life and as well as his struggles and fights for his religious convictions. It was meant to be for his eyes alone and yet, now, after the requests from a number of persons in Japan, it has come out in printed form. It is his hope that his diary, would be to lend encouragement to others.

I find myself pouring out books written by Sensei each time I am down in the hope to lift my spirits up again by living the words of this true life philosopher. And till date, it has never failed me. If anything, I think, I have failed Sensei in my failure to put what I’ve learnt and his words into daily life. Once again, this is my constant tug-of-war. It is never easy to push oneself further but I know without efforts, a true character and individuality can never come to full flower.

Poor internet, poor me.

That previous entry was written 2 days back.

Each time I open up a new page, trying to get into writing a new entry, I find myself blanking out upon the new fresh page, wondering where I should start. It’s not the lack of thoughts in my mind but rather, too many different signals sending out at the same time in my brains. Perhaps it’s the result of not writing consistently that I find myself not being able to have my thoughts in a coherent manner? Even this, I’m not sure.

Let me first start with a mind-nagging issue. It’s been close to a month since I’ve gotten my laptop adaptor replaced. Not with an exact original Toshiba but a parallel adaptor. Forgot what it is called. It comes with different voltages of different connectors that can be adapted easily. Thanks to Mr B who went all the way down to Sim Lim with me so that I can get my laptop up and running again. It’s really frustrating not being able to get my hands on it during that “not in use” period of time. Anyway, the mind-nagging issue is not this. It’s the freaking dialup that I’ve been using for 4 years now. I thought I could surf the net like I used to with my replaced adaptor, even though it can take ages for a page to load since it’s dialup, but I thought, never mind. All it takes is to train my patience! Yet, of late, I find it hair-pulling with not having a single page being loaded successfully after being connected to the net! Previously, it was at a speed of 42 kbps. For the umpteenth time that I had tried, it has been connecting as low as 8.0 kbps. Good lord! Not a single page can be loaded even with me sitting there for an hour at least. Who would have guessed that I can be bothered to sit and wait for a page to load and who would have guessed that I have actually done so without losing my temper? Ha.

Now you know why you don’t see me online anymore nor blog. It takes huge efforts to do so and even with perseverance, it’s not enough. Not everything is within one’s control all the time. It’s like systematic and unsystematic risk in finance.

The good news is that Daddy has informed me about the up and running Broadband in my Woodlands home. It’s his way of luring me home la. Hahahahaha.

Respect me as a human, please.

On saturday night, we had a dinner at his boss’s house. Breath-taking. Even the walk leading to his house, makes one breathless.. once again, it’s being affirmed. Finance is where the money is..

A few days ago, I was just feeling horrified by the lack of respect one has for others. After the dinner with Mr B’s boss, I took away more valuable thoughts. The importance of knowing what one wants in their life and the various paths one could take to attain his or her goals. To attain financial freedom at an as early age as possible is in the mind of most people. I want that very much too. Yet, I hesitate the paths I have to undertake to attain that freedom. I am very clear on the terms I don’t wish to exchange for to obtain the money. I understand that my positive attributes comes from treating people with sincerity and my constant daily struggle to be one of true individuality and character. This constant tug-of-war between happiness and misery will only become stronger with age.

I believe the people around us are very good examples and mirrors of the kind of person we want ourselves to be or not.

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True friendship will stand the test of time. This is very very true. I just received a sms from a once very good friend whom I thought is worth being friends. But now that I looked back, our friendship seems to be superficial where small gestures of showering friends with gifts, food and clubbing seems to be the definition of a good friend. I was sooo wrong. Huge disappointment I must say. A pity.

Like a mirror, this incident showed me how ugly it is to be a person of arrogance and to take others for granted. Speak with your heart and not for who you think you are is what I must remember always.

Relationships should be carried out with dignity. With this incident as a mirror, I must be careful that in my engagement and interaction with others, I do not carry them out without dignity for oneself and others.

I havent written anything here for quite some time. nah, nothing much to update. my thoughts are have been money, how to get it and more ways of getting it. of coz, the root of this evil is my unlimted wants. my 'to buy' list is getting longer and then I wish I am richer.

My days have been more boring then ever. Of coz, it's still enjoyable. just nothing really exciting like clubbing or whatsoever. It does get abit tiring with too much clubbing. Sometimes, it gets even more lonely than being on your own. You may be surrounded with lotsa of good company, people whom u enjoy hanging out with in clubs, happily drinking and chatting you up..giving you lotsa attention, flirting in the most innocent way possible and then send out the "i'm not flirting with you" signal but in actual fact, by that, you are already flirting...and when all gets abit too much, you back off by running somewhere..to the loo maybe..and then back to smiling at them again.

when the hour gets longer, you decided to call it a night and there, hop into a cab and head back home. as you enjoy the comfort of cabbing, you say to yourself "what a night!" and once home, after a good shower, you lie in bed feeling lonely.

See, I think despite all that craze and my wilful character, I'm actually quite a homely person. I enjoy spending time with family, a stable life and all. but somehow, i call it the 20s illness where at this age, you think it's a time for fun, wild nights. Perhaps, it's just my own justification, yet when we age, we know we are not gonna be doing that as often. And we blame it on our age.
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How weird. I was on the MRT when I heard this gal telling her girlfriends about how this guy is after her and so forth. The way she describes it and how things were being done to please her, i wonder if this gal is really that desirable. If one is really that desirable, is there a need to tell others? My guess is it says alot about this person's character and her constant need for attention.

Miss Chow,the program assistant..ok, this is the most recent picture i have..taken last month in school when i was the program assistant..

aiyah, i'm perpetually changing..now my hair looks different. then was the silly haircut that makes my fringe too short. now slightly longer, can style. heh.

too bad, this black hair colour is gonna be with me through out my career..cant change it. in fact, if anything at all, like I said before, black just makes it look like a wig..cause it's dyed..sigh.

the yummy...dear's cooking... =) ok, top left is omelette, then diced chicken, bottom is veggie with mushroom..



Just got this from Mr B.. couple of weeks ago, Mr B cooked something for me..this is what we had for dinner..it was yummy...first time a guy cooked for me..other than my dad who's quite a good cook..heh..

see, of all, i looove the chicken..damn shiok.. then dear was saying should add shaoxing wine..ooh ya..Scholar, heard the credit of this fantastic dish goes to you ah..good good..keep it up..heh..must cook for me too la.

how exciting eh...

no gay club for me tonight. nope, didnt make it down to Taboo. sent my sister off at the airport instead. it was a last minute kinda thing. woohoo...my sister is flying with British Airways..

damn..her paycheck is definitely higher...so off she goes to the UK....that ger ah...can be quite worrying...doubt she can take care of herself when she's alone..sigh..oh well, she will learn..heh..

i hope she'll have a safe flight..wah..what will she do without me..

great..so now, i have the same career as my sister. how weird. hmmm..

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tonight is great...i had time off for myself to do the necessary beauty upkeeping and alll..eh, dont think i vain ok... it's important eh..heh...

also, gotten a few books from the library...pretty excited about reading them..

hmmm...i'm still having a few cravings here and there. Durian craving has been here for weeks....as for the newcomer, bloody mary is here! argh.

i have a To Do List :
1) Read library books
2) Cook chilli crabs, new veggies, tom yum soup, bake brownie
3) Read my daily dosage of commercial news
4) Keepup with my earnings...
5) Start my weekly exercise regime again.

and I also have a list of things to buy:
1) Handphone
2) Digital camera
3) Beauty products
4) New business suits
5) Food..lotsa good food...

So much for an exciting holiday.

another shot

argh. my home internet is literally pulling my hair out...lucky thing, i have alot to spare. heh.

anyway, me and Mr B have decided to give it another shot.

sigh. at the end of the day, we both know that we have to move on from our ex. and that no one can and would replace them in our hearts. but at least, we have tried.

honestly, i dont know where will this head to. but for now, we both enjoy the company.

been out these nights. yesterday, was out to watch the arts event with Ron. it's singapore arts festival. pretty cool. thereafter, went to play pool. woohoo...havent touched that for eons. felt that i suck at it now. hmm..to think i did beat Aaron before! heh. old days of glory...hahahahha

nah, kambantte! i will do make sure i get on form again! heh.

so, yeah..me and Jon headed down to IceColdBeer for Hoegaarden thereafter. wooohoo...damn shiok...had a whole pint to myself..then Jon insisted I drink more.. my drinking kaki now ah..

Tonight's gonna be fun fun fun. I'll be heading down to Taboo with Ron and Jon. heh. for the first time, i'm gonna be so left out..they'll be soooo interested in Jon while me and Ron can just have each other manz.

clubbing again!

ahhh.....i thought i had grown out of the whole clubbing stage...and now, i am back in it again.

just got back from O Bar with Ron and her frens, Jon. Met all of Jon's frens too..crazy bunch of guys but fun.

hmm..looks like i did pretty well today..had 2 guys telling me I can dance! heh. Big time ego booster! hahahah. hey, Ron is the Mama manz...she's the one who can dance! aiyah, at the end of it all, probably the sex appeal la. heh.

anyway, i still have not mastered how to refuse giving my no. in a polite and effortless way. nono. polite, i think i am. but it just doesnt seems effortless enough. i'm seen in a difficult spot when being asked. not good. that way, pushy guys like whats-his-name...oh, Nash, would be able to see that's my weakness and push a little further, thinking i'll give in.
hmm..i really must figure out how to turn down manz. well, at least, so far, so good.

eh, besides bloody mary and lychee martini, i have no damn idea what i should order when i club manz. ok, see..what did i have just now?...ooh..vodka lime. good enough to cool me down after all the dancing.

anyway, msged Mr B just now. Although company's been good the whole night, I know I miss B..wondering how is he now..and how did his job interview go.. hopefully, he'll get the job I recommended..then he'll have to owe me big time! heh.

Another chapter closed

Mr B and I are officially over.

As much as we are similar in personality, emotionally, we are too different. Or perhaps, I should say, we are not ready. He’s not willing to give, and I’m not willing to be the first to give. Of course, there were other issues, basically, an accumulation of such.

What I can say is just that I’m totally disappointed and frustrated with the whole issue.

I did really like him. For the first time, after dating so many guys over the year, I did really like someone. For the first time other than Mark, I felt that pain in the chest. And I thought there was something in the chest that caused me to feel a pain.

*deep breathe*

Perhaps it’s retribution. If it is, then, I have many more to come before I get to meet someone I can settle down with.

Picking up the pieces, I blame myself for having to start all over again and to carry on with my own life, the way it was, a month before.

While searching for true love, singles like us envy those deep in love, for they have found that earlier than we have. Yet, once in it, we wished we had not gotten ourselves into it.

At the end of it all, I know I’ve learnt about what I’m looking for and have also tried what it is like to date someone similar.

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It’s the first day of a new month. A fresh new start for me from here. I’m looking forward to my training and my new-found career. I’ve been dreaming of stepping my foot into Japan and now, finally, I will get the chance to do so.

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And now, I just feel like watching Sex and The City DVD.

Being in love

Just got back from the interchange. went down to meet Ron. She brought presents for me from Brisbane. Woohoo! 2 pairs of lovely earrings and a shorts..nice! thanks babe. Ron has always been sweet to her frens..being her bf is even better..only if one manages to capture her heart...she sure knows how to have her way with men..heh..my fren..

anyway, the whole day was just bad. had a bad flu. haven had this for months. always thought am quite strong..till today when i had to sleep it off and drink lotsa water to get rid of that bugger. tough. hate to have flu. a bad one is worst.

so yah, Ron..being my sweet fren, came down to meet me for a while after knowing me and Mr B isnt going well..

got home, spoke to Aaron who studying in UK right now..saying he'll be back in a couple of weeks..am really looking forward to that..haven seen him in 9 months, like he said. wow..time flies..and alot has happened..yeah..looking forward to have a drink with him and catch up all the way!!

yeah...agree with ya, Ron..courtship is always the sweetest..but courtship doesnt just take place after a couple gets together..it's a continous process..to make the relationship sweet, to make the other feel special, to make him or her feel happy..i miss that. the things you do, may be silly but it's sweet..it's even better than telling the other "I love you". Simple things. It doesnt even have to be giving expensive gifts..just a stroll along somewhere quiet, to talk and laugh your heart out..to lie on each other's and simply spend time together, with your mind and soul with the other..that feeling of being in love..it's most fulfilled when you know both parties are feeling the same way for each other..to do silly things for each other..

i'm really beginning to believe, love is afterall, just a feeling.