Men are bastards

I'm tired. very tired. emotionally, mentally and last physically. I have been going through emotional roller-coaster for quite a few months now. To be honest, it has been 3 mths? close.

where should i start? hmm. yeah, this will be a juicy post i guess.

i dunno where to start because i feel so tired, so drained.

i am both hurt, angry and sad. For what he has done to me, I should have shoot his brains out if I had a gun. Yeah, violence is what makes me scary. go ahead. I can be scarier. Be afraid of me u bastards out there, so u will learn not to be a bastard to others. Dont ask what he did to me. He knows, I know, the universe at large knows. The law of cause and effect in Buddhism is strict.

The love of my life is such an irony. I thought i met the one for me..everything seems so right..i almost settled down with him. No wait. I would have and I wont regret if he stayed the way he was when I fell in love with him.

Now, he has changed. He's no longer the man i used to love.

My good friend Mel has said this to me, "well, let's just say that we dont compare who's better or worse, let's gather ur energy and hope for a better one to come along. the next one doesnt need to be BETTER than these two guys, what matters is he's able to make u happy, in a different way..."

I sometimes pity myself. I give my all for the one I love so much but yet I hurt myself so much in the process of it all. For what? To learn what a bastard you are?

I certainly do not deserve all these.

The road ahead is long and painful but I will be strong. As what shaun puts it, i have to, for those who love me dearly.

hmmm...

I am feeling...

new year resolutions

Oh, it's a happy NEW YEAR. A fresh start for me? Yes and no.

My new year resolutions :

1. To not have my roster clash with my meetings.
2. To save $.............
3. To finish 10 books on gakkai
4. To shakabuku at least 1
5. To have a problem-free relationship
6. To quit ......
7. Visit the dentist at least 2x
8. To bring my family for a holiday
9. To visit my granny every week
10. To do my daily 2 hour daimoku for a year

"Friendship, precious in any form, is more ennobling when it is based on a common belief in some great cause. Purely worldly friendship, though often beautiful and valuable, does not always go deep;it may disintegrate in the face of difficulties and adversities. Friendship between people of common faith, however endures anything and inspires the friends to risk their very lives in the struggle toward their common goal."

It is very true as the years go by and i reflect on the various friendships that i've forged in my life. Each friendship is different and valuable in its own way. However, when the very common basis of which the friendship thrive on is gone, the friendship seems to reach its end. It will someday burn brightly again depending on what fuels the friendship again. On the other hand, if it is based on a common belief in a great cause which is the very backbone in one's life, it will stand the test of time and in face of difficult times.

I cannot thank those friends who stood by me giving me their utmost support by being there for me knowing that i am in my lowest point. Without them, I can't ride those difficult times which were killing me. It robbed me of my ability to do anything. Honestly, I dont wish to go through those heartaches again but life has both opposite for us to experience. This time round, I want myself to build a strong inner self with indestructible life force that no matter what may come, I will be able to pick myself up faster and in a less painful way.

It is depressing to think about my situation right now which I dunno when it will end. I dunno which is more depressing, waiting, not knowing when it is going to end or the negative reply. I am someone who does not like to be passive because my very life philosophy is based on "destiny lies in our own hands" so i believe in taking action and not waiting passively. Hence, this whole thing is just killing me. On the other hand, what i can do is not what I want so i can only wait.

Slowly but surely, it robs my love away bit by bit which I am most afraid that one day, when what I have waited and wanted does happen, I would probably be unable to reciprocate those feelings. Does he know that this may happen by doing what he is doing now? Nope. Why? Because I dunno how to tell him. It will only add unnecessary pressure I guessed. When it happens, i guessed it is just too bad.

Aside, Hong Kong is a nice place to eat and shop and I've always wanted to make my way here. Now that I am here, I am most happy. Next sector is to SFO which I'm also looking forward to re-visit the place. Food makes one happy. Food brings hope. *grins*