IT'S OFFICIAL!!

I'm flying with Japan Airlines!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Felt damn bad when I wrote an email to reject Deloitte..but I know I'm more excited about JAL than Deloitte though..

YEAH!! I'm going to Japan for training in the next few months!!!!!!

Stuck

it's been a loong time since i've written anything here. or rather, been online. My laptop adaptor went up in smoke recently when i was in school as a program assistant. tough luck.

in any case, i've not been feeling all that good, emotionally. Where should I start? too many things on my mind, an accumulation of not writing it down is getting to me. see my need to blog?

anyway, things that i'm getting it down here are nowhere censored. nor in consideration of anyone's feelings. just mine. sorry.

right. last week was out clubbing 2 x!!! goodness! I was at Zouk on Mambo night with Mr B and his frens from the US. One of them, YJ, had accepted her bf's proposal and he was down to get her dad's blessings. which reminded me as Mr B mentioned that she had a relationship for 4 years and this ex is in S'pore. He would go mad if he knew YJ's bf had proposed and she had accepted it.

my mind couldnt help but think about my own situation. imagining if I had married someone else but Mark. afterall, throughout that 5 years, I did consider settling down with him.

Anyway, then on Thursday night, I went down to Zouk again with Mr B, Ron and Edmund. It was comedy night by Kumar and Joanne. Kumar was really funny. Best comedian so far. Just looking at him reminds me of Raj though. Speaking of which, I saw him at Wine Bar on the very night itself!!!!! oh my goodness..how real can it get? Good thing he left me alone though.

Wanted to head down to club with Ron on Friday night but decided not to. Went home after tuition. watched my korean soap operas instead. damn good looking guy.

I've been feeling down thereafter.

sigh. I dunno if I should put this down. but, honestly, I'm having alot of doubts about me and Mr B. I'm not happy.

Anyway, went down to the airport to send my last Korean friend in S'pore on sunday night. sad. No one to speak to on my korean anymore. Am quite worried about Grace and him though. long distance relationship is very tough. especially if there is no intellectual connection.

I took off after al while. Didnt want to send him all the way to the departure gate. I know I'll tear. I went off to meet Angel from there at Pasir Ris. It's been a loong time since I've gone to the East. Lotsa memories of coz. Anyway, me and gel go waaay back and till now, we have been close friends for 8 years. we've seen each other through everything and anything. And just as were talking that night, i realised we are both going through the same things. the same fears, the same crap. How Mark is to me is how Jon is to her. They were together for 4 years.

Eventually, gel's fren Farhan came down to pick us up to JB for supper. Amazingly fun. It's the whole excitement of doing something different and I guessed some part of me is unhappy about the lack of sparks or action in my life.

Anyway, I just read Fengjia's blog..and something striked me there. Mark had left a message..saying he'll be back in June. I...I dunno how to react. Well, actually, there is nothing for me to react to actually. I guess we are no longer friends now.

Sometimes when I think about YJ, I will remember what me and Angel had said that night. We both deserve it, gel. No matter what reasons we gave or felt like we had to do what we did then. Even though it was a matter of progress, but at the end of it all, I think we have not progressed at all. Emotionally, we are still stuck at the same place after these years.

Faceanalyzer with personality profile


Personality Profile:

You are a long-term planner, diligent worker and avoid risk as much as possible.

You are of above average intelligence and have the ability to focus on tasks that seem unimportant at present, but can lead to greater things in the foreseeable future.

You are not keen to interact with others or make social connections. You would rather gain material wealth before putting yourself in a position to be judged.

You are not confrontational unless someone directly opposes your intellectual beliefs. You are highly concerned with your social status.

You are keen to avoid risks that could jeopardize your long-term plans. You take a calculated approach to life, working hard to control all aspects of it in order to not leave anything important to chance.

You tend to be a perfectionist and quite self-conscious. You sometimes wish you were less reserved and more like some others you see who are more bold and outspoken in social situations. But as much as you try to be like them, you cannot, because you care too much about the future to ever be comfortable taking risks in social situations.


I am : Beta Academic

Beta academic: Not as intelligent or ambitious as Alpha Academics, but still focused on being materially successful.
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I wonder how much of it is true about me. Funny thing though. I behave differently in different situations. Hmm..maybe, that will be me in future.

Crap

Damn crap. I didnt sleep well last night. All because of those crap from my parents.

Dammit. Why the fuck do I still have to deal with all these shit at my age? My mood's been bad.
Lucky thing I got out of the house.

It's already a blessing that I dont stay with my parents. yet, they refused to let me off. worst still, they are thinking of getting me back with them to Woodlands so that they can fucking "guide" me. WTF.

If they are all so good and so smart in making right decisions and thinking that they can make better decisions, someone pls tell me why the fuck do i go through all the shit of being in a financial struggle? Tell me why the fuck do I have to start working part time as a student to earn for my own? Tell me why I had to go through the fear of not having a single cent at all? Why the fuck do i have to be bitter about it and pretend it's all part of growing and training myself to be stronger?

I'm tired. tired of fighting for what I want. Tired of having to answer to others about my actions.

Has anyone been called a High class prostitute by their parents, simply because they have not been home for 2 days? and not as if they dont know where I've been. Did I say I hate my parents?

Lost

I've lost.

Lost..lost..lost.

-I've fallen in love, first.

I've been feeling that squeeze in the chest. Like a sponge, I feel myself being squeezed dry, with all that love I had in me flowing out, leaving a wound behind. Like a dry sponge with holes.

It's been a while since I last felt this way. Is this really love? If so, love is really only a feeling then.

Ahhh..now I can see the future..the months down the road. I'll be like a turtle, retreating into my shell which will keep me safe from further harm.

To love is to be hurt. To not be hurt is to not love then.

I wont and would not want to feel like a sponge again, for, I had lost in this round.

I am OLD

I'm aching all over from last night.

No stamina. Legs are weak...

Why? -from Thumper lor.
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As a program assistant, the executives of this company, invited me for dinner and a night out. We had a sumptous meal at Geylang... the ever tender beef kway teow, cereal prawns, sambal kangkong, sotong fritters, prawn paste chicken wings and some others...shiok meal...

We then went down to Thumper to drink. It helped that these executives are non-singaporeans from Philippines, Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam and Thailand. So, it was alot more fun! They can be such a crazy bunch of guys. Well, I had fun at thumper. Looove the place. Perhaps in both times that I've been there, the company was gooood and so, I like the place. heh.

Similarity and Differences

"We are too different."

That's one of the causes of a breakup.

Now, what about too similar?

What happens when you meet someone who's very similar? What's the outcome?

While it maybe good for couples to be just like each other,will they breakup because of the similarity?

When you're similar, you think the same, the breathe the same and you smell the same. (good if one party smells nice) Both enjoy each other's company. You share the same sense of humor and so the fun is on! Same level of thinking, you'll can create havoc with each other, or bored each other to death.

The straw comes when you have the same reactions to situations. One gets pissed, the other follows suit. Not on purpose at times, but it just happened. "One get mad, the other gets mad too. And everyone get nowhere."

So, it begs the question of does it mean it's good news when you found someone similar?

authorities, so what?

We should speak up.

Nothing politically suggestive. Was having lunch with the staff of OE. These are ladies who are in their late 20s and or early 30s. Some are married, some single. Was on the notion about our prof sending his sons overseas to study. They are heading to Aussie to see the Dean to decide if he would study overseas or in S'pore. Then a bitch said "Nowadays ah,students are requesting to see the Dean even for minor details. Last time, our time, where got such things?"

I looked at her. And I look away in disgust. She's being herself again - a bitch.

Honestly, call me westernised. I dont see anything wrong in seeing a Dean. What's the point in flying all the way there just to see someone who cant make decisions?

It's because there are inefficient people around, mainly middle level managers that we need to look for higher authorities to settle issues.

Why should fear play a part in this?? What is so fearful in speaking up?

Even the President of Harvard University, Dr Lawrence Summer, had to apologise to the public for his discrimination against women when he said that women has less innate ability than men in science. Imagine this were to happen in the Asian culture, fuck. No anger would be sparked enough to make a person of authority to apologise manz.

The Call

Yooohooo!!!

I had a call yesterday. The long-awaited call. Nah, not Mr. B. He calls me everyday. hahaha. well, it's from JAL!!!! Finally...

So, it seems that next wednesday shall be the briefing and to sign the letter of appointment. Heh. and guessed what? I'm supposed to be at Deloitte right now. Yes. Today and at this very moment, I should be touring the supposedly wonderful office right on top at the DBS Building, along Shenton Way.

Ok, so here I am...serving SMU..heh.. working as a program assistant for the school, Office of Executive Education.

aiyah, this is how SMU earns its money. not from undergraduates, but from companies sending their executives for courses. We are talking a few hundred thousands dollars for one company ok. The courses are introductory to what undergraduates learn except equipped with practical experiences of those Profs and of course, speaking to working adults, you know they understand what you are talking about. hmm...actualli, not realli..especially when it comes to accounting...lots of questions from the floor.

anyway, my simple job is to ensure the whole session is smooth and basically, I'm their teaching assistant (TA). do nothing for the good pay. heh or wait, it's more of efficiency on my part and hence, as if nothing is done. heh. I'm just glad I have some income coming in.

Oooh, i just saw Ron's blog with some TOPLESS pictures. Not pictures of her la.

A letter to osama.

Read the whole letter.

Love is ONLY a Feeling?

I wonder : How much can one love? And, how many can one love?

Looking around among friends and also in my own life, I cant help but realised that there were sooo many people in our life. We have been through numerous relationships. I'm sure every relationship has a place in one's heart, be it memories which are painful or happy. Hmm..most likely they are painful memories since they are the past of failed relationships.

Oh wait. But if we did not give any in those failed relationships, we wont feel any hurt, wont we?

Then back to my original bewilderment..Is it possible to love more than 1 person now that we have more than 1 relationship?

Right, it seems as though to answer that, we have to address the fundamentals of "What is LOVE?" ----- Hmm...since the beginning of time, this is one of those controversies no one has given an adequate answer for all. A song by The Darkness has it titled - "Love is Only a feeling".

Sometimes as i reflect about the past and situations happening to my close friends around me, I cant help but nod in agreement that perhaps, Love is afterall, ONLY a feeling. Once the feeling goes away, what is left? NOTHING.

Yet again, isnt it weird how strong this feeling can be that it changes everything and to the extent of being the master of one's mind and willpower?

How much can one realli love?

Pissed bored

I'm soooo bored today. Pissed bored.

Finished reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons 2 days ago. It is truly a good book. Couldnt put it down after I got started. Been holding it day and night. now, i'm exhausted to read anything further. One thing less to do. damn.

Too bored for any TV programmes. It’s either Zhen Qing or nothing that I’ll understand. Suria? No way. One thing less to do. Damn damn.

It’s was getting too suffocating to stay at home and I decided to take a walk to my friendly neighbourhood centre. Not so friendly after all, with me in my “ I’m fucking pissed bored. don’t mess with me. Don’t even try” – mood. True enough. Those surveyors really kena from me. Sigh. Too bad. That’s what happens when you catch me on my wrong day.

Hey, I’m not always mean to these people k. I did stop to chat with one of those yesterday at Hougang Central. No. No cute guys. And I was running late for tuition. Well, just that that lucky guy caught me on the right day!

Dammit. Less than ½ hour later, I’m back here at home.

It was sooo bad that I was pissed with everything and everyone. I wanted to Vanish. (saw this brand while walking aimlessly at the supermart)

Mr. B is out, at his fren’s hen party. Dammit. I should have gone. I heard that there’s a stripper..heh…dammit. What the fuck were you thinking of Lisa Chow?

My craving for something salty never ends! I was craving for a Bloody Mary last night after movie with Mr B and Ed. Today, it’s still here. So, I made myself some tomato juice, with salt. Ok, add a bit of sugar. And more water. cool it in the fridge. Shiok!

Sigh. I hate it when I'm pissed bored. It makes me feel as if PMS is here. I get really unreasonable. too unreasonable for my own good.

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin



I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?



Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin



So, if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This can be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?



Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And, if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

So why don't we go



This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?

-Somewhere Only We Know, Keane-

Can you see me floating above your head

As you lay in bed

Thinking about everything that you did not do

Cuz saying I love you has nothing to do with meaning it



And I don't trust you

Cuz everytime your here

Your intentions are unclear

I spend every hour waiting for a phone call

That I know will never come

I used to think you were the one

Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all



You ain't never coming back to me

And that's now how things were supposed to be

You take my hand just to give it back

No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember the way we used to mealt

Do you remember how it felt when I touched you

Oh, cuz I remember very well



And how long has it been

Since someone you let in

Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep

Do you dream I would be there

Just for a minute or two, do you?



You ain't never coming back to me

And that's now how things were supposed to be

You take my hand just to give it back

No other lover has ever done that

Heart ache, Heart ache I just have so much

A simple love with a complex touch

And there is nothing you can say or do

I called to let you know I'm thru with you



You ain't never coming back to me

And that's now how things were supposed to be

You take my hand just to give it back

No other lover has ever done that

Heart ache, Heart ache I just have so much

A simple love with a complex touch

And there is nothing you can say or do

I called to let you know I'm thru with you

I called to let you know I'm thru with you

I ain't never coming back to you

-Through With You, Maroon5-

Nice arms. Nice figure. Nice skin. Nice...

A broken smile

I finally understood.

I was looking through Wallflower's blog when I came across a comment on the Which Mask Are You Wearing post. It is said : A mask of utter indifference even when the world is crumbling slowly inside, the ability to smile naturally even when the heart frowns upon such deception.

Wallflower calls this the broken smile.

This word was used in the song She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. The song that Mark said then that it was about us.

Finally, i understood. I was wearing a broken smile for a very loong time. Deceiving myself then that I was fine when the world was crumbling inside me. I was able to smile and laugh as a matter of fact, as if I wasnt affected at all by what was happening. To still be able to drink and enjoy my time at Walas. So, it was a broken smile.

See, the thing is, for me, it takes me pretty fast to know the mind games that people play at times, but yet quite some time to figure out my own feelings and thoughts. To analyse them all and put them into pieces and perspectives proper. Eventually, I would. But right there and then, at that moment, it's hard. I cant see it. I know what I'm feeling. Just cant see it. That's the problem with me. Perhaps those ability to see through others came from what I had gone through, observed and realised. There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, not just a reason, but many.

Heaven and Hell

Sensei Ikeda once shared about those little stories of Gods in Heaven and explains the concept on why a day spent in Heaven is as if 100 years on earth. It is because enjoyment is found and not that actual time spent is any different. Basically, it is the state of our life condition that makes Heaven, heaven and Hell, hell. Which is why I find it very very hard to accept and embrace the doctrines of Christianity cause I believe to make religion a religion, it has to be based on reason and logic. This is the basis of Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism. A religion isnt something outside of us. It should also be a life philosophy.

Think about it. Without numerals to calibrate time, time is subjective. Imagine being enclosed in a room doing the things we enjoy, time passes faster than we would if we were doing something we dont enjoy.

Then what is enjoyment? I'm sure we have a common understanding that we are not talking about material well-being. Defining enjoyment to somewhat similar to defining what is Happiness. It is not simply a feeling that one feels for the moment nor is it a freedom from any problems in life. If it is, it but a mirage.

Men on horses..shopping

Courtesy of Ron. She took this in Aussie. WoW. I didnt know we still get to see men moving around on horses in the streets. What's more policemen. And I wonder how the hell they gonna catch the bad guys with them back to the police station? Tie them to the horses? Ouch.

Was reading about Ron's shopping spree in Aussie. It feels good to be away on a holiday. I'm not much of a shopping fan. Too lazy. My legs and back get tired easily. I get sian after a while and start looking for places to sit and chill. Better still, to eat. Anyway, I totally agree with her on how shiok is it to have someone carrying your shopping bags for you while u look see look see. Heh. I used to not appreciate that in the past cause I'm an advocate of women carrying your own stuff. But I'm always carrying heavy stuff that after being "trained" by Julian to have him carrying my stuff in school, I loove to have my hands empty of all that weight. Try my laptop manz and you'll know why.

So yeah, i agree with Ron. Girls, must get guys who would carry your shopping bags for you. damn good. heh. Hmm...does Mr. B do that for me? *recalling...recalling...*

hahaha..he does!! There was this once we went shopping at Bugis Village and he did carry my shopping bag. At first I didnt feel all that comfortable cause besides, my pal Julian, no one has done that for quite some time. After a while, to stroll the streets with nothing, indeed, it felt good!

A way to start my day

A good breakfast is the way to start one's day!

The lack of agenda during this hols gets to me really bad. Waking up everyday to find that I have no concrete plans on my mind. Not that there is a lack of things to do. There are always things to be done. Readings especially but it's not the same as having something serious to think about or to resolve.

This morning when I opened my eyes, the first thought that came to me is I have nothing to do. Feeling lethargic, I decided to make myself some good breakfast to feel better.

Made half-boiled eggs, toast and black coffee. Shiok!

Just lack a good scenic view from my place.

men's laziness - dont make women the problem!

I support the call for Singaporean men to do better, not ask women to want less!

Life! had an article with the headlines " RGS girls and their low growls" caught my attention with the all so familiar talk by Singaporean men that they found it too intimidating to approach American girls and on the other hand, Singaporean women are getting more picky and difficult in their expectations of men.

This reminds me my entry on the Ideal Man which I got from my sweet Mr. B. I dont think I'm being picky or having too high an expectation. The world is ever-changing. Without saying, the role of women has changed to adapt to today's demanding standards of living. In many ways, women nowadays are simply behaving more like men as in the case of RGS girls in the article. So, why should the men complain about women being picky when we are just simply behaving more like them?

It's men's laziness of not wanting to work at being desirable.

At the end of the day, men do not want a lady who's too submissive nor emotionally and mentally weak. Do you hear us complaining that men are too picky? Even though we bitch like mad about men, we do not resent that women have to change. Of coz, it's good for the self that we change to cope with the many demands today but the point is, we are not as lazy as the men!

Saints, we are not.

We aint saints.

Just read an article in Asia Times on China holding double standards with the anti-Japan protests while committing horrors for the past few decades. Even at global level, issues of finger-pointing are not being resolved. sigh.

Introspectively, I think it goes down to a fundamental humanistic issue,rather than just politics. On unimportant matters, or perhaps, by being "nice", when situations of these sort happens, one party chooses to ignore finger-pointing by accepting their part of the blame. We see this happening everyday around us. for me, it happens most often between me and sis. Issues are not resolved completely in actual fact. Just being swept under the carpet. Once in a while, when another bad situation or argument comes up, we take it out again. Arguments can be soo bad that it becomes a case of forgiven but not forgotten.

isnt this the case for China and Japan? Or should I say Japan and ROW (rest of the world)? We all make mistakes. To not admit our mistakes is a big NO. But, who are we to judge others? Who is China to judge Japan for its history when they aint saints? What if today, it was China that was being finger-pointed at?

To resolve this, I think it takes big effort to thrash things out for both countries. easier said than done. on a personal level, it takes moral courage, wisdom and patience. Yet, we are talking about nations where you have variety of differing and sometimes conflicting interests tied together in one. Will they ever work things out? Or will they continue to sweep dirt under the carpet like they have done for decades?

We are prisoners of our own success

Many said that China would be the superpower in the future. No doubt. But why the fuss now? The sliding dollar has gotten people frantic about the future of America and their economy. See, America has been the superpower for a loong time. Contemplating that change makes us uncomfortable. Seeing signs of that change makes us jump in our seats.

As it is, America is and will still be the superpower nation in the next decade. One of the reasons is what we cant deny : Asian nations are prisoners to their own success. How so? We were shaped by the West, a conditioning that we see in the last couple of centuries in every aspects we can name : 1) Arts / Literature 2) Banking reforms 3) Capitalist nation

And now, we cant even appreciate our dollar against the US$ which by and large will give us more revenue. Yet, we cant. Coz it will make it too expensive for the Americans to buy. or the rest of world using the US$ to buy. In the end, we are worst off with currency appreciation. Prisoners of our own success.

An article reads about literary creations of how Japan, China are to the West. Very appropriate typical of Japanese culture. As for China, it goes to the very contradictions they are facing currently. Quite funny actually.

Honesty pays? Not always.

This is where I have to consciously stop myself from being truthful. Imagine if I've said the truth, this is what my internship report would look like :

Purpose of Internship : To graduate! Do you have to ask? I have to complete it! Duh?

Description of work responsibilities : None. Shit job as and when seniors required me to do so. well, if you consider making tea for myself, munching on those biscuits, finding something to read so as to look busy, then yes.

Training experiences : Learning about the characters of each seniors and hearing other interns who were there longer than I am, bitch. Oh, did I mention about the varying degree of bitchiness for each mentor manager?

Observations : Work politics can be avoided. Know the kuan of my mentor manager and sa ka her from there.

Accomplishments : Absenteeism was no issue after I knew how to sa ka my mentor manager.

What have you learnt that you can apply to your academic and future professional career? Never go into that department again.

Ok, If i want to be graded at all for the report, I'll have to lie. See, honesty does not pay at all times.

Reminded me of how job interviews are so inaccurate in hiring the right person. Everyone puts up a front in interviews. Answers are always "model" answers. This is where I have to stop myself from being amused. I could laugh out aloud right there and then.

Isnt it GREAT?

Woah.... I wonder what brand is he using.. not Okamoto nor Durex...hmm...

From the top of Esplanade



Headed right to Esplanade after our snapping at SMU, Mr B. suggested going up to the roof terrace..It's beautiful!!! Plus, i like windy places..from here, we could see one of the best spots of Singapore. It looks even better at night.

Just a few weeks ago, I insisted sis to come out with me and chat by the river with a can of beer in our hands. Like a beer auntie. hahah. she brought nuts too! muahahaha. really beer auntie manz. she was feeling down and I thought we have not done something like this before and like best frens, we should. We both had fun chatting through the night. Manz, i was deadbeat after that night. grouchy.

And this "hand" belongs to me! paid for it ok!! heh.. 

We Love SMU!!! this is one of those Leadership and Teambuilding projects done by students.. 

Lower quad. of Bukit Timah Campus



This was taken just outside the library. Look at how beautiful our campus is. Sigh. City campus can never match this.

Finally learnt how to upload a photo. heh. anyway, this was taken by Mr B when he came down to SMU that day. This spot that I am sitting is one of those favourite spots for filming by TCS. Behind me is one of those seminar rooms occassionally used for lessons.

Can you get to a future if your past is...

Another sleepless post.

I was going through some of my old stuff in my laptop..and I realised I do have quite a few hidden stuff here and there..

1) A diary I kept 2 years ago in an online diary which I had just exported to a word document.

2) Interesting videos which is only for my own viewing pleasure. Not much of a pleasure to begin with actually.

Then I stumbled upon a synopsis of a season in Sex and The City. I loooove that show. No, not a fan of desperate housewives. And I began to think of the lines in Episode 77 : "The Perfect Present"

In this episode, Carrie wonders "Can you get to a future if your past is present?". Not that am in contact with Mark anymore so technically, my past isnt my present. Yet, it's the pictures and memories coming up in my head that makes it in the present.

On my first date with Mr. B, I recalled what we both said on the topic about my ex, Mark. I had said " the next person coming up will have a hard time dealing me with the whole ex thingy." And I read in the synopsis : "The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship." -Miranda

I cant help but feel terrible now. What have I done?

Why I am up?

I cant sleep.

No fucking idea. Must be the afternoon nap. Or the teh-ping I had just now?

I am so gonna get it from Mr. B later for being up at this hour. See the no. of entries I posted?

So gonna get it...

Alcoholic test

Bourbon Congratulations! You're 104 proof, with specific scores in beer (20) , wine (66), and liquor (60).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

Will I succeed?

My Mr. B had an entry on the Ideal Man which kept me thinking the whole day. And somehow, it was the answer to my breakup with Mark.

Let me see..Mark is the new age sensitive guy. he's a romantic guy who has the qualities of a hunk. Yet, after 5 years at the age of 22, coupled with the whole long-distance relationship idea, I found myself feeling stucked. Was it because I was tired of having to live up to be the strong woman I was in his eyes? I guessed so. But yet again, I have always been one. sigh. too head-strong.

I was tired. I needed someone stronger to make me feel like a girl once again. To be pampered and all. Something different to feel loved rather than to love would be nice.

I was even more tired of having to live up to his parents' or rather his mum's expectations. To live in his mum's shadows just because I'm seen to be similar as her. Yes, she's the matriach in the family. I was too tired to alway try and vie for attention, to be accepted and be loved like one of her own child. To have her asking about me, to convey her love for me just as she would for her son. An affection that would never happen the way I want it to be. It was probably our age that we started out. and the years that follow.

Mark was someone who would hold my hand, be sensitive and listen to me when I have problems. However, he was not able to stand up and protect me. Perhaps, it's me. I didnt have the faith that he would although I know he could. We grew into each other that with time, it's hard to see beyond.

He was gentle and loving and attend to my every whim. And yet, able to firmly point out my mistakes when I made one. Here comes the tough part : Correcting me and yet making it gentle and constructive rather than being overly critical. He was. But being the headstrong person, I couldnt take it.

"He will make love to her rather than have sex unless she wants to be taken and ravished almost senseless." ---right, no comments. too personal. heh

5 years..tsk..a loong time. I dont deny, I still hold on to memories of him. I can still tear. I still feel that pain in my chest at times.

I had discussed this with Mr. B on our first date. And I do feel very lucky to have found him. To meet someone who could accept my past and to be able to talk to him about my past. As straightforward as I am, I know there are certain things he may not feel all that happy to talk about especially my past now with our status, yet, I know at the end of the day, he understands. For one, Mr. B and I are really alike..mentally we clicked so much that without having to say it, we both know what we are thinking and even feeling. it's scary sometimes. especially when one is playing mind games. Coz we know what the other is up to. Then the counter moves, we would have guessed too. heh.

so, anyway...

My dream a few entries back was about Mark. and his gf.

"Beauty queen of only 18. She, had some troubles with herself. He was always there to help her. She, always belong to someone else.." - Maroon 5

This song was about me and mark.

1 year 2 months down the road, after my breakup, I'm still stucked with the memories. I want to, desperately want to rid those memories. I'm at wits' end to how else can I do it. Should I not listen to those songs? visit those places that we've been? To not do anything that reminds me of him? Right from the start, I thought I shouldnt coz it will only make things worst and more difficult for me to move on. As the dictum goes, the harder u suppress, the harder it is to move on and heal. Yet, more than a year later, I have not successfully gotten rid of it. I know I am more than on my way, but I do wonder if i will ever succeed?

I am an illusion

Issit the age that I'm in? I find myself screaming to go out and carve something for myself overseas. Perhaps, it's the influence of BT weekend.

Business Times weekend ran a full report on Russia..the 50 Singaporean companies in Moscow.

Russia is just but one of those countries I want to be there, only if I can make it alive to travel from cities to cities. heck. I'm just in for the risk. For the cold winter.

Japan! A definite yes. Every single spot in Japan. I want to be able to understand and speak to the locals. communicate effectively. to live like a Japanese. I just soo love it.

Korea. To do more than just sight-seeing.

Soloman Islands. I looove the ever so blue sea.

+(-_-)+

I am a Strategist.

Pardon me. I just love personality tests.

Summary of Strategists
Quiet, easy-going and intellectually curious
Use logical, objective thinking to find original solutions to problems
Think of themselves as bright, logical and individualistic
May be impractical, forgetting practical issues, such as paying bills or doing the shopping

More about Strategists
Strategists are quiet people who like to get to the heart of tough problems on their own and come up with innovative solutions. They analyse situations with a sceptical eye and develop ways of measuring everything, including themselves.

Strategists are the group most likely to say they are unhappy in their job, according to a UK survey.

Strategists are generally easy-going. They are intellectually curious and enjoy abstract ideas. Sometimes they like thinking of a solution to a problem more than taking practical steps to solve it.

In situations where they can't use their talents, are unappreciated, or not taken seriously, Strategists may become negatively critical or sarcastic. Under extreme stress, Strategists could be prone to inappropriate, tearful or angry outbursts.

Strategists may be insensitive to the emotional needs of others or how their behaviour impacts the people around them.

Strategist Careers
Strategists are often drawn to technical or scientific careers, where specialist knowledge is required. They also seem to enjoy jobs that involve long-term planning, abstract thinking or design.

Lonely No more

Now it seems to me That you know just what to say

But words are only words Can you show me something else

Can you swear to me that you?ll always be this way? Show me how you feel

More than ever baby

Well I dont want to be lonely no more I dont want to have to pay for this

I dont want another lover at my door

Its just another heartache on my list

I don?t wanna be angry no more

Youre the one who could never stand for this So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure I dont wanna be lonely anymore

Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh Ooooh

Now its hard for me When my heart's still on the mend Open up to me Like you do your girlfriends And you sing to me And its harmony Girl what you do to me is everything

Let me say anything just to get you back again Why cant we just try?

I dont want to be lonely no more I dont want to have to pay for this

I dont want another lover at my door Its just another heartache on my list

I dont wanna be angry no more Youre the one who could never stand for this So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure

I dont wanna be lonely anymore

Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh Ooooh

What if I was good to you? What if you were good to me?

What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me? What if it was paradise?

What if we were symphonies?

What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you?

I dont want to be lonely no more I dont want to have to pay for this

I don?t want another lover at my door Its just another heartache on my list

I dont wanna be angry no more Youre the one who could never stand for this So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure

I dont wanna be lonely any more

Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh Ooooh

I dont wanna be lonely any more I dont wanna be lonely no more

I dont wanna be lonely no more I dont wanna be lonely any more

-Rob Thomas

Past, Present, Future

I had a dream.

A dream that left me wondering about the choices that I've made in life. There isnt a good choice or bad choice. Mostly, they were the best or the worst I've made under those prevailing circumstances.

What was the dream trying to suggest in reality? Unsettling issues in me, perhaps, it will never settle. Still, it's courage that I've to summon to overcome what's passed.

Seduction Seducing Seducted!

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many.The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately.You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss.A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.